Pure Gold (Second Edition) Sample Pages

The following pages are taken from Marriage Transformation LLC's
newest publication, Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities
in Marriage (Second Edition) (ISBN 0972689354). This material is copyrighted and may not be reproduced or published in any print or digital form.

The following is an excerpt from Part 1 ~ All About Character:

4 ~ Golden Treasure: Taking Time to Talk

Sometimes communications with one another will go smoothly. At
other times, you may think you are speaking different languages.
When this happens, you may end up in conflict with one another. It
takes equal partnership, practice, and skill building for you to be
effective consistently in resolving issues without fighting. It requires
taking the time needed to be certain you really do understand the
other’s point of view. One way to support full and effective
communication between you is known as consultation.

Consultation is a communication skill that can bring your marriage to a new and higher level of maturity and functioning. As most
marriages do, you may still have a few unresolved issues in yours.
Yet, fighting and conflict do not need to be part of the culture of
your relationship. Consultation gives you a viable alternative that is
worthwhile to practice.

SKILL-BUILDING OPPORTUNITY
To increase your skill level, there are activities in the Appendices.
Complete Appendix A, “Communication Skill: Consultation in Marriage” and Appendix B, “Communication Skill: Agreed Consultation Practices” together. It may help to read all of Chapter 4 first, however.

DESCRIBING CONSULTATION

Consultation is a form of full and equal discussion between you,
usually aimed at arriving at a decision about something. You focus on a common goal—what is best to do. In Part 2, you will consult together about how you use particular qualities in your marriage.Effective consultation requires you to draw fully on the best of your character qualities, especially truthfulness, detachment, respect, humility, patience, and courtesy.

You will use consultation to explore your thoughts, feelings, and
goals. It will assist you in clarifying situations, resolving
disagreements, and making decisions about actions to take. It assists you in sharing your points of view and finding solutions that work, without blaming, arguing, or telling one another what to do.

SUPPORTING EFFECTIVENESS

Your consultations will increase in effectiveness with time and
practice. There are, however, a number of ways you can support the
likelihood of having a positive experience and outcome.

Full Expression

You have equal voices in consultation, and it is vital for you both to
express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Withholding your
input or dominating the conversation will negatively affect the
outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you
will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to
speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice
assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt. Chapter 5 explores listening in depth.

Being both frank and loving supports the effectiveness of your
consultation. This means that you are being honest with one another, but not in ways that hurt. Your respect and caring for one another as you speak will assist you to focus on determining the truth and making effective decisions. If either of you gives or takes offense with what one another says, you will get sidetracked into negative emotions and stop focusing on your goal.

Pure Motives

It is also important to ensure the purity of your motives and
intentions. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken
goal—or you want to manipulate one another, the consultation is on
a weak foundation from the very start. Share with one another if you
need support in being detached from a specific outcome.

Also, be very aware if you developed the habit of manipulation,
particularly toward those of the opposite gender, before you married. Consultation is not a method to get your own way. You will be wise to support one another in changing this pattern, or it will have a consistent negative effect on your relationship.

Detachment

One distinguishing feature of consultation is once you have
expressed a thought or idea, it is no longer “yours.” For instance, if
Eric expresses an opinion about something, he might feel that he has to stick with that opinion, even if his wife, Janice, says something that causes him to re-think it. In consultation, he can let go of his original opinion and allow himself to move forward with his wife. As a couple, they can then build on what is emerging as a great idea.

It is as if there is a central pot where all the input goes, and the pot
belongs to both of you. This image supports you in being detached,
and you can let go of your original point of view as you each share
facts and feelings. Detachment also assists you to accept an outcome that might not be exactly what you wanted.

Supporting Unified Decisions

Once you have made a decision together, you must both fully
support it in attitude, action, and words, or you will never know
whether it was an effective decision. In other words, if you come to
an agreement, but one of you is not sincere and mentally or physically works against the decision, you can never know why it failed. The outcome could have been due to the quality of the decision or to the disunity between you.

Remember that making decisions as a twosome is different from
group consultation, because there is no such thing as a majority vote. When you consult as a couple, even when it is difficult, the goal is to come to a unified decision. Having only two of you challenges you to reach mutual agreement wherever possible. This may require multiple consultation sessions on the same topic, especially if the matter is very important.

The following is an excerpt from
Part 2 ~ Encouraging Character Qualities:

Helpfulness

EXPAND OUR INSIGHTS

...as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people....
~ Christianity: The Bible (New International Version), Galatians, 6:10

Helpfulness is seeing someone’s need and taking action to meet it. We are considerate, thoughtful, and spontaneous in responding to one another. When we are short on time or cannot do something, we appreciate helpfulness from the other. Sometimes we take the initiative to do something helpful for the other, and it turns out to be annoying instead. We then consult about what works and what does not. Together we create solutions to meet one another’s needs and make life easier for both of us. Offering and accepting help brings us both happiness and relaxation. We do our best to accept help lovingly when it is given to us. Sometimes the person who is helping does an action differently than we would do it. We refrain from criticizing one another or others for sincere efforts. We accept loving help gracefully from one another, from others as needed, and from spiritual sources.

Forget yourself by becoming interested in others. Do every day a good deed that will put a smile of joy on someone’s face.
~ Dale Carnegie, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, p. 147

How are we practicing Helpfulness?
What new choices will we make?

CONSULT AND TAKE ACTION

1. Identifying and Strengthening Love
      a. Are we bitter, critical, or contemptuous of one another? If so,           when? How can acceptance, respect, or other qualities assist           us?
      b. Do we act unloving toward one another? If so, when? How           can generosity, thoughtfulness, or other qualities assist us?
      c. When can caring, courtesy, enthusiasm, equality,           faithfulness, kindness, patience, purity, service, sincerity,           spirituality, unity, or other qualities assist us with           strengthening love?
2. Identifying and Balancing Misuses of Love
      a. Do we smother one another with so much time and attention
          that there is not space to be ourselves or live our own lives? If
          so, when? How can detachment, moderation, or other           qualities assist us in using love effectively?
      b. Do we only express affection sexually? If so, when? How can
          equality, gentleness, or other qualities assist us?
      c. Do we enable each others weaknesses because of love? If           so, when? How can discernment, respect, or other qualities           assist us?
      d. When can using chastity, contentment, service, sincerity,           self-discipline, wisdom, or other qualities reduce our misuse           of love?
3. When is the lack of or misuse of love a source of conflict for us?     If necessary, how can we restore harmony?
4. How do we express love? What makes us feel loved? How do     we let one another know that we feel loved?
5. What circumstances might challenge us with maintaining loving
    feelings? How can we avoid this?
6. How can love enhance all types of intimacy between us?

STRENGTHEN OUR RELATIONSHIP

 Discover two new ways of expressing our love for one another
 Leave love notes in unexpected and obvious places
 Treat one another to a special evening out
 Create a sensuous/sexual time together that builds oneness
 How else are we committed to practicing love?