Your
Invitation to a New Kind of Relationship Dance
Can We Dance? represents a revolutionary transformation
in the way you approach preparing for, seeking, and
being in a relationship.
Think of all the people in your life. How many of
them have a happy and fulfilling relationship with
a partner? We are confident that there is a deep
yearning in your heart for a wonderful relationship
that lasts, but you may not know how to accomplish
it.
Does the following scenario seem too familiar?
Mark and Stephanie’s relationship
is getting off to a great start. They met recently
at a local seminar, and they were instantly attracted
to each other. Almost every evening, they go to
movies, restaurants, plays, or other events going
on in the city. They are amazed at how well they
get along and what a wonderful and sexy couple
they are. They are certain they were made for each
other.
Mark and Stephanie begin excitedly sharing the details
of their relationship with close friends and coworkers.
However, within weeks, they are complaining about
each other to the same people. They fight regularly,
because they keep making assumptions about what each
other is thinking and feeling. One pushes the other
to open up more and share their life, but the other
resists. They criticize each other, and communication
breaks down between them. Soon, they end their relationship
in disappointment and frustration.
Relationship advice from friends,
relatives, magazines, books, television talk shows,
or the Internet often provide more confusion for
you than solutions. Currently the media’s message is that you have to find “the
one right” person in the world for you based
largely upon physical appearance. The media portray
sexual chemistry and love at first sight as the ideal
you have to attain. Mark and Stephanie believed all
of this. However, none of these factors provides
the essential foundation to make a relationship extraordinary.
Instead, the message in Can We Dance? is to prepare
yourself for a relationship first and then go into
it with Both Eyes Open™. This means clearly
seeing and knowing what you expect and need in a
relationship and understanding all the important
aspects about your partner. Of course, your partner
will need to know you thoroughly as well.
A vital part of knowing yourself and your partner
is understanding the character qualities you each
bring to a relationship as strengths. For instance,
these can include generosity, patience, enthusiasm,
kindness, or courage. This book will help you to
develop each of your many character qualities and
use this knowledge to help you observe your partner’s
qualities. Character qualities are foundational for
the success of a relationship.
Through expanding your knowledge and participating
in activities and reflection, you will gain vital
new skills that help you to discover a special partner
and build a strong friendship and relationship together.
Friendship is also a foundational aspect of relationships.
The greater the depth and strength of your friendship
with a partner, the stronger your relationship will
be.
You will learn new ways to communicate with a partner,
such as how to speak Character Quality Language,
and communicate encouragement, support, and love
to your partner. You will also understand how to
avoid common communication pitfalls in relationships.
Society has promised you a quick fix for everything,
including finding someone and having a relationship.
In fact, it takes commitment, effort, and excellent
communication skills to establish a great friendship
and deep love with a partner.
Can We Dance? is an extraordinary guide to a new and realistic approach to
having a lasting relationship. It helps you to make significant new choices
in how you and a partner create a relationship.
Here is what can happen if Mark and Stephanie try a different way of interacting:
Mark and Stephanie’s relationship
is getting off to a great start. They met recently
at a local seminar, and they were quickly attracted
to each other. They decide to pursue getting to
know each other. Over the next few weeks, they
spend time together doing activities they both
enjoy, such as going to plays, museums, and restaurants.
In addition, they participate in a community service
project, exercise together, and discuss the books
they are reading. They have meals both as a couple
and together with friends and family members. Mark
helps Stephanie with solutions for a challenge
she is experiencing with work, and Stephanie helps
Mark with a problem he is having with a relative.
They work through occasional communication challenges
together, and they become close friends.
Stephanie wants to see Mark in a variety of settings.
It is important to her to observe his character and
see that he can be consistently respectful, compassionate,
trustworthy, and friendly. To Mark, it is also important
for him to see trustworthiness in Stephanie. In addition,
he wants time to observe that she is consistently
truthful, cooperates easily and readily with him,
and, like him, has a strong connection to spirituality
and family. They are confident that they are establishing
the foundation of a lasting relationship.
Having this type of relationship may seem unattainable,
but the answers to these questions are in this book—if
you are willing to learn and practice what it will
take to create a happy, lasting friendship-based
relationship!
Consider what you really want from a relationship.
Together you can:
• Develop full partnership
with respectful equality between you
• Fulfill your purposes and goals in life
• Encourage each other and help each other to
be your best
• Reach your full potential as people who contribute
to your families, workplaces, and communities
• Develop a deep and wonderful bond of friendship
and love
• Develop communication skills, so you and your
partner experience a deep connection between you
You have probably taken more
training to get a driver’s
license than you have to be successful in a committed
relationship or marriage. However, a relationship
and marriage have far greater impact on your happiness,
success, and well-being in life. Relationships can
change your life forever. They have long-term implications
that require skillful handling. Books, DVDs, CDs,
websites, workshops, coaching, counseling, and more
are all resources to empower you to be confident
in your choices and actions. The more you know, and
the more skills you gain, the better the outcome
will be.
We are continually fascinated and amazed at how important
character, friendship, and communication are to successful
relationships. We invite you to begin your adventure
in learning new ways to perform the relationship
dance. It is time for you to explore yourself, discover
a great partner, and create a happy, lasting relationship.
Welcome to your relationship dance class!
Susanne M. Alexander, Relationship and Character
Coach
with John S. Miller, Character Coach
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to the Can We Dance? page
What Does Dancing Have to Do
with a Book About Relationships?
Foreword: by Carmen Valverde, Ed.D.
A professor once said to me, “Dance is such
a pleasurable thing to do, that it makes you wonder
why there are people who do not like to dance. That
would be an interesting question to answer.” The
same can be said for being involved in relationships
in general. Some people are happily married, and
some, for various reasons, avoid a committed relationship.
Imagine that you are attending a party or an event
that has lively music and dancing. You watch others
having fun on the dance floor. You think of asking
someone to dance, but you are afraid of rejection.
Or, from the other perspective, someone approaches
you and asks, “Would you like to dance?” Depending
on a number of variables, you will answer either “Yes” or “No,
thank you.”
You might decline the invitation if you do not know
how to dance, or you think you are not good enough
to dance with the person. You may not like the way
he or she looks or behaves. You may believe that
you just do not like dancing—it does not appeal
to you. It is also possible that you tried dancing
in the past, and you felt awkward, someone made fun
of you, you learned more slowly than other students
in your dance class and felt inferior, or your dance
partner stepped on your toes. Maybe a friend put
dancing down and ridiculed people who danced.
The same possibilities exist with your feelings about
relationships. It looked like fun, so you tried it.
You were hurt, though, and decided that a committed
relationship is not for you. You might blame yourself.
You might blame your partner. Maybe you never learned
to trust others. The truth is, as in dancing, people
need to learn how to get along in relationships.
There are basic principles to follow and techniques
to learn.
First, you need the desire to learn. Just as you
might want to know how to dance well, you want to
know how to have a fulfilling and love-filled relationship.
This book pre-supposes that you do want to learn;
otherwise, you would not be reading it. The first
step is learning to BE a great partner. In dance,
this means learning the basic steps. In relationships,
you do this by developing your skills and your character
qualities. Personal integrity is important on and
off the dance floor. Then you learn the skills to
find a lasting friend and partner.
To learn how to dance, you need good instruction,
a good example, practice, feedback, correction, encouragement,
and more practice. You need to commit time, effort,
and energy to the task. You need to master the important
principles and techniques of movement and then how
to work with a partner. Being with a partner in dance
or in a committed relationship requires you to find
a special person, and then to have proper positioning,
compatibility, connection, and good communication.
Dancing well involves equality and respect, cooperation
and communication. There is give and take, leading
and following, obeying the rules of the dance floor,
and especially kindness and courtesy to your partner
and everyone around you. You need to learn the steps,
timing, and how to improvise when something or someone
gets in the way of you and your partner. With unity
between you, when you trip, stumble, or get off the
rhythm, you can recover quickly and continue dancing
together.
Everyone can dance. The question is HOW WELL do you
want to dance? In this book, the authors offer you
principles, methods, techniques, steps, and exercises
that will help you to develop and improve your ability
to dance the dance of relationships. It is worth
the effort—good dancing and fulfilling relationships
make life worth living.
Dr. Valverde teaches at Rutgers University, New
Brunswick, New Jersey, United States. She has been
teaching dance for over 30 years, and she met her
husband while dancing. She also assisted with the
dance metaphors throughout the book.
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to the Can We Dance? page
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