Welcome to the Marriage Transformation Project

The Shifting Times, January 2000
Copyright 2000 Susanne M. Alexander

Elaine and Joe Sullivan are co-presidents of Sullivan Associates in Dallas, Texas . Elaine conducts wellness workshops internationally on personal and professional growth, with a focus on understanding life stories. She has taught at a variety of schools and colleges and is a licensed professional counselor and family therapist.

Joe conducts conferences and workshops on personal and organizational behavioral change and is an international trainer for Personality Resources International.

Both of the Sullivan's were featured presenters on the November non-smoking Wellness Cruise in the Caribbean covered by our roving journalist, Susanne Alexander .

When couples counselors and trainers Joe and Elaine Sullivan talk about being 'blue' they don't mean they need to head to therapy themselves. Nor for them does being green mean jealousy. The "Personality Styles" model is a personality assessment tool available for use by couples, employees in the workplace or virtually anywhere where interpersonal relationships matter.

"Relationships present profound opportunities for personal growth, both psychological and spiritual," said Elaine. "Inner work and a willingness to change and grow are the challenge."

One of the paradoxes that increases this challenge they said, is that unlike themselves, people tend to partner with or marry their opposites. "When we are different, we have the possibility of an even better relationship, more potential for growth," said Joe, looking at the positive side. "Often we choose a partner because unconsciously we say 'This person is capable of inviting a great deal of growth in me or is capable of restoring the parts of me that I have rejected or put in my shadow bag or put aside.'"

Without understanding this opportunity to grow, however, many couples end up in conflicts without understanding why. The Personality Styles model , developed by Personality Resources International, and adapted by the Sullivan's for couples, is based on work of Isabel Briggs Meyers and Carl Jung. The system presents four categories that individuals can study and rank for what best fits their personality. Everyone has aspects of all four, but there is usually an order of applicability, with one style being stronger, and so on.

" Primary Blues" are the intuitive feelers, the ones who lead with their feelings. They wear them on their sleeves and are very comfortable with them, said Joe. People who choose this color as their first one are strong in empathy, stroking others and expressing appreciation, sincerity, creativity, imagination and authenticity.

" Primary Green's" are the analyzers, the intuitive thinkers. They are strong in conceptual skills, seeing the big picture, improving things, concentration, thinking globally and logically and using language well and precisely. They tend to be comprehensive, determined, thoughtful, insightful and ingenious.

" Primary Oranges" are self-confident, risk takers and adventurers, determined, direct, decisive, quick, flexible, adaptable, like to perform, brave, bold, spontaneous, humorous, very efficient and can juggle multiple priorities. They tend to be very positive people, hating being around negative people, and resilient, practical and grounded, bored with a lot of theoretical input and wide-open. "They are the least judgmental of all," said Joe. "They're very fun to be around. They just accept people for who they are. They are nice people to have as friends."

" Primary Golds" are opposites of oranges in lifestyle, behaving in a very structured, ordered and systematic way. They tend to be productive, trustworthy, prepared, punctual and pay attention to details. "Their sense of right and wrong is probably the thing that creates the most problems and conflicts for other people in relating to them," said Joe. "There's either a right way or a wrong way. Oranges would say, 'There's lots of ways!' Greens would say, 'There's a better way' and prove it. Blues would say, 'There's a better way for people.'"

The second color in the order you choose is also important, because it influences how you use your first color. "Elaine is blue first and green last, and so am I," said Joe. "Elaine is gold second and I have orange second. When there's a conflict in our relationship, 99 percent of the time it's between her gold and my orange."

Improved communication is the biggest winner when people understand their styles and the styles of their family members. If your partner is a different color than you, understanding the strengths and weaknesses of his or her personality style allows you to adjust to them, appreciate them more and support growth for both of you.

In communications, the shadow side gets us into the most trouble, and each group has natural stressors, said Joe. Primary Blues are challenged by conflict or anything that influences a lack of harmony in a relationship. Primary Greens have difficulty with anything that looks like incompetence or injustice, unclear expectations or emotional outbursts. Primary Oranges chafe at too many restrictions and rules, at patiently waiting for anything, at repetition and at situations lacking in challenges. Primary Golds are stressed by anything that may not be organized enough, structured or on task.

"There's always a danger in labeling," said Joe, "but there's not a danger in understanding where people are coming from right now." When in France , speaking the language means the people you meet are less likely to get annoyed.

"We go through life seeking to balance," said Joe. "We're born into this world a whole person, and we give up parts of ourselves at different parts of our lives to survive. Our journey is to recover those parts as we go through life."

Elaine said that conflicts also happen when we don't understand the paradox of intimacy. We tend to choose partners who have the combined characteristics of both our mothers and our fathers. We often choose people who have the least capability of giving us what we most need. "The good news is that they also have the capacity to give us what we most need," she said. "There is no one who can be a better healer than your intimate other, and there is no one who can harm you as much as your intimate other. The power struggle in a relationship is always about getting your unmet needs met. This requires becoming more conscious in relationships."

She continued speaking about stretching to give unconditionally to our partners: "One of the things that is so important in a relationship is to learn your partner's story, to know the child in your partner. In the most healing relationships, we become the loving nurturer to the child in our partner that our partner never had. This is the dynamic of the human soul."