Welcome to the Marriage Transformation Project

Unpublished Op Ed, February 2003
(written for The Cleveland Plain Dealer)
Copyright 2003 Susanne M. Alexander

Given the divorce and cohabitation rates the way they are, it's about time we started questioning the popular myth about there being a "soul mate" out there somewhere for everyone and that someday you will meet "the one." (Seven sure-fire methods to finding your soul mate, The Plain Dealer, 1-30-03) The frenzy to accomplish this seems to increase in the spring as marriage season approaches.

Think about what believing in these terms sets up. As a single person, you have to hunt and hunt on an endless round of dates, with the constant refrain in your head - Is it him? Is it her? Most people have no substantial clue what or who they are looking for to even be able to recognize that they have found "the one," given the belief that the whole process of falling in love is purely mystical, with little forethought about what's important to them in a lifelong mate. And then how do they turn off the voice in their head that starts second guessing and asking, "Well what if I'm wrong?"

It's very difficult for someone to establish and sustain a relationship or marriage when they are always wondering in a little back-of-the-mind voice whether they maybe made a mistake, and the person really destined for them is still wandering around. Maybe he's in China for all they know.... Maybe there was a wrong turn a few streets back and she's sitting in a different restaurant. It's a recipe for starting marriage without full commitment and with one foot in divorce court already.