Welcome to the Marriage Transformation Project

The Shifting Times, April 1998
Copyright 1998 Susanne M. Alexander

As parents, we are the first and primary educators for our children. This is especially true for mothers in the early years. Our children are gifts to us, each having unique potential. As we assist them to make responsible choices and live by spiritual principles, they develop strong self-esteems and contribute positively to their families and to society. Linda Kavelin Popov, in The Family Virtues Guide says, "Like an acorn, which has within it the capacity to become a towering oak, a child has great potential. All children are born with all the virtues, the gifts within, waiting to grow .Authentic self-esteem and real happiness come naturally as children experience the emergence of their virtues." (The book is co-authored by Dan Popov and John Kavelin.)

Part of the challenge in this effort is detaching from some of our expectations for our children, who are often different in temperament and talents than we are. Popov continues by saying, "Spiritual parenting involves a focus on a child's gifts and possibilities, a readiness to support them to develop all they can be-to give life their best effort .A child is not a prince(ss) which parents warp into a frog.Your child is not just a reflection on you.The very purpose of raising a child is to help her to become an independent spiritual being. There is your spiritual work and there is your children's. Part of your work is to support them in theirs."

So, how do we as parents encourage the development of spiritual virtues in our children? By a concept Popov calls "naming." When children do something that pleases us, a common response is to praise them by saying how "nice" or how "good" they are. Instead of this, she suggests being specific, by using the "language of the virtues," saying such things as, "That was very kind and helpful of you to show your brother how to use that game," or "It was generous of you to share your toy with your friend." She suggests leaving the moralistic tones out of our communications; such as, "you SHOULD be generous."

In talking about praising, Peggy Goding says in Raising Children as Peacemakers, "Praise can be offered spontaneously when you observe your child manifesting positive behavior during the course of a normal day. Praise can also be offered more consciously after you have arranged some activity or interaction for your child, keeping in mind what qualities you are looking to reinforce and strengthen, and actively finding an opportunity to do so." She stresses the need for parents to patiently practice this habit and to avoid making negative comments about their children in front of them.

Peggy Jenkins, in Nurturing Spirituality in Children encourages parents to teach their children that there are spiritual laws in the universe, not just physical ones. She says, "For every physical law, there is a parallel law in mind and spirit. Teaching children to work with the spiritual laws as well as the physical ones will bring them the gifts of peace, confidence, and joy, which will enable them to weather the storms of life." Equipping our children with the tools needed to handle and survive tests and difficulties is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. If we always try to make their lives easier, over-cushioning them from disappointment, conflict, death, hurt, and pain, we risk raising individuals who are chronically depressed, whining, and complaining that "life is treating them unfairly."

Our children need to be taught to understand that every action of theirs has consequences. "Spiritual laws also have consequences," says Dorothy Marcic in Managing With the Wisdom of Love, "and whether we are aware of spiritual law or not, we are still subject to those consequences. For instance, if I decide to live my life according to the basic spiritual law of loving my neighbor, one thing that means is that I must be honest in my dealings with people. If I obey the law of honesty, it means I will treat others with integrity and reliability. As a result, most people over time will trust me, and this trust will serve to enhance my relationships with them. However, if I decide to defy this spiritual law and lie to others, try to cheat them clandestinely, or not do what I had promised, after a while they will not trust me and will tend to avoid me if they have a choice."

Linda and Richard Eyre in Teaching Your Children Values , focus on 12 core values, one for each month of the year: honesty; courage; peaceability; self-reliance and potential; self-discipline and moderation; fidelity and chastity; loyalty and dependability; respect; love; unselfishness and sensitivity; kindness and friendliness; justice and mercy. Popov lists 52 virtues, one for each week of the year; such as, courtesy, trustworthiness, truthfulness, faith, forgiveness, friendliness, joyfulness, justice, moderation, service, and unity. The list was compiled from spiritual and religious literature from around the world.

"The wisdom of the ages-as well as of our own experience-teaches us that individual and collective happiness is connected to (if not the direct product of) behavior that is governed by moral values, " say the Eyre's. 'Abdu'l-Bahá in Bahá'í Education echoes the same thought by saying "Human happiness is founded on spiritual behavior."

Raising our children to be spiritual beings, to believe in and experience mutual love with a greater Being Who has created the Universe and everything and everyone in it is the greatest gift we can give our children. As 'Abdu'l-Bahá says in Foundations for a Spiritual Education , ".from the very beginning, the children must receive divine education and must continually be reminded to remember their God. Let the love of God pervade their inmost being, commingled with their mother's milk."

(The Family Virtues Guide, Plume/Penguin, 1997; Raising Children as Peacemakers, Kalimat Press, 1989; Nurturing Spirituality in Children, Beyond Words Publishing, 1995, 1-800-284-9673; Managing With the Wisdom of Love, Jossey-Bass, 1997; Teaching Your Children Values, Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 1993; Foundations for a Spiritual Education, Bahá'í Publishing Trust, 1995, 1-800-999-9019; Used with permission)