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Marriage Transformation Project Message:
Heart Talk, Adventure, and Consultation
Dear Friends and Colleagues:
The book that I (Susanne) picked this month to read and share with you (Finding Ever After by Dr. Robert S. Paul) is sub-titled "A Romantic Adventure for Her, An Adventurous Romance for Him". Left to my own devices, I usually take the safe path. When I pack my purse, backpack, or suitcase, they are filled with items "just in case" I need them. I try to analyze situations and figure out how to prevent bad things from happening, and then I take action so they do not occur. After a month of reading about the "adventure" of marriage and romance, I have been assessing whether to occasionally step out of my safe zone and enter Craig's world of adventure instead.
It's humbling for me to see that no amount of trying to keep Craig healthy actually prevented him from getting cancer. Some things I just cannot control! So, accompanying him along on this healing adventure means relaxing and not trying so hard to manage ALL the details. This past weekend we went on a spiritual healing retreat...my husband Craig's choice for the weekend activity.
A highlight for me was a solo walk into the woods, where I reflected on how much of my life I spend avoiding doing things out of fear. So, I walked off the pathways and didn't worry about poison ivy, walked across a challenge course balance beam (without falling off!), and laid down on the forest floor in a pile of leaves to look upward and, with my conductor's wand/branch, guided the dance of the wind through the multicolored trees. Dr. Paul says, "A woman will always have an easier time recognizing her own innate strength, ability, and courage when she feels safe in her marriage and feels invited to the partnership of adventure." (p. 97)
As Craig and I go through new experiences together and separately, we are doing our best to practice what Dr. Paul calls "Heart Talk"--intimate communication between partners. The focus of Heart Talk is his ICU (Intensive Care Unit) model. However, ICU actually stands for:
I - "Identify" the feelings of the speaker
C - "Care" about those feelings
U - "Understand" those feelings
For this model to work, we must create "a secure foundation for intimate dialogue: sensitive, alert, and attentive to safety at all times." (p. 175) Both the speaker and the listener share the responsibility of ensuring the communication stays smooth and safe. Where "Work Talk" is designed to be productive and efficient and a large part of couple communication, "Heart Talk" "involves pulling in close, seeking to understand and care for each other." (p. 170)
Throughout our journey over the last several months, I realized that, for Craig to hear my feelings, I have to be careful to avoid criticism and stay sensitive to his heart. He must do the same with me. Dr. Paul says that, "until people feel seen and heard emotionally, the conversation will stall."
We often assist couples to practice a key decision-making skill called "consultation." Practicing "Heart Talk" seems like a key skill in helping consultation be effective. Continue reading this newsletter for further information about consultation.
We invite you to step off of your familiar path and into a world where you connect fully with your partner and others in your life, where you listen with your heart, and where you are fully heard.
Loving greetings,
Susanne
Relationship, Marriage, and Character Coach
PS - Please join us in practicing the Character Quality of the Month - Joyfulness. Learn more below.
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Open for Business
Craig's well-being has been our focus for the last several months and some aspects of running our business have been neglected. We appreciate your continued support of both us and the Marriage Transformation Project, and are grateful for your understanding when things, like the September newsletter, are missed. We are, however, currently writing new books and sharing our products with others so that they may strengthen their relationships and marriages. Enjoy this combined September/October newsletter and help us continue sharing the importance of marriage preparation and enrichment! Keep updated at www.marriagetransformation.com.
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Craig's Healing Journey
Thank you to those who continue to ask how Craig is doing as he recovers from his brain cancer. It's a great reminder of how blessed we are to have friends like you praying for us! He is doing very well (although getting somewhat bald from the radiation treatment). You may find it interesting to share our journey with us at www.factbasedspiritguidedpath.blogspot.com/.
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"God's desire for us is not to merely experience random moments of excitement but to embark on an incredible journey wherein His breath fills our sails and enlivens our soul. There is, of course, a natural ebb and flow to exhilaration. An inspired individual is a person in motion to the fullest expression of who he or she was created to be, engaged in the adventure of life and available to be motivated by and to motivate others to really live and become fully inspired. What does it look like for two hearts to be open, intimate, becoming the full expression of God? God is not only for our marriages, he desires to be fully expressed through us together: creating, ruling, and setting people free."
~ Finding Ever After, p. 41
Character Quality of the Month: Joyfulness
Joyfulness is being in a state of high-spirited and ecstatic delight, gladness, and jubilation.
I practice Joyfulness effectively when I:
- Celebrate the wonder of life
- Smile, laugh, and enjoy life, even during difficult experiences
- Enjoy and share humor and light-hearted fun appropriately in my life and with others
- Immerse myself in worship, prayer, and meditation, feeling spiritually inspired and uplifted
- Excitedly share new knowledge and insights with others
- Experience the pleasure of knowing I have done my best and made wise choices
- Optimistically look for the best in my life and others
I need to strengthen Joyfulness when I:
- Grumble, whine, or complain about my life
- Look at life and experiences with pessimism, expressing my expectation of negative outcomes to others
- Fail to rejoice in the blessings others receive or those that come into my life
- Avoid happy and enjoyable people, places, and experiences because of my negative attitude
I misuse the strength of Joyfulness when I:
- Respond without sensitivity to a sorrowful situation, invalidating the sad feelings of others
- Delight in getting my own way through flattery, manipulation, or enticement
- Exult in or laugh at the suffering of others
Spiritual Reflection: "...[W]e also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." The Bible (New International Version), Romans, 5:2-4.
Excerpt from Can We Dance? Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship, p. 438
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Consultation - Decision-Making Tool
Full Expression You have equal voices in consultation, and it is vital for you both to express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Withholding your input or dominating the conversation will negatively affect the outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt.
Being both frank and loving supports the effectiveness of your consultation. This means that you are being honest with one another, but not in ways that hurt. Your respect and caring for one another as you speak will assist you to focus on determining the truth and making effective decisions. If either of you gives or takes offense with what one another says, you will get sidetracked into negative emotions and stop focusing on your goal.
Pure Motives
It is also important to ensure the purity of your motives and intentions. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken goal—or you want to manipulate one another, the consultation is on a weak foundation from the very start. Share with one another if you need support in being detached from a specific outcome.
Also, be very aware if you developed the habit of manipulation, particularly toward those of the opposite gender, before you married. Consultation is not a method to get your own way. You will be wise to support one another in changing this pattern, or it will have a consistent negative effect on your relationship.
Detachment
One distinguishing feature of consultation is once you have expressed a thought or idea, it is no longer “yours.” For instance, if Eric expresses an opinion about something, he might feel that he has to stick with that opinion, even if his wife, Janice, says something that causes him to re-think it. In consultation, he can let go of his original opinion and allow himself to move forward with his wife. As a couple, they can then build on what is emerging as a great idea.
It is as if there is a central pot where all the input goes, and the pot belongs to both of you. This image supports you in being detached, and you can let go of your original point of view as you each share facts and feelings. Detachment also assists you to accept an outcome that might not be exactly what you wanted.
Supporting Unified Decisions
Once you have made a decision together, you must both fully support it in attitude, action, and words, or you will never know whether it was an effective decision. In other words, if you come to an agreement, but one of you is not sincere and mentally or physically works against the decision, you can never know why it failed. The outcome could have been due to the quality of the decision or to the disunity between you.
Remember that making decisions as a twosome is different from group consultation, because there is no such thing as a majority vote. When you consult as a couple, even when it is difficult, the goal is to come to a unified decision. Having only two of you challenges you to reach mutual agreement wherever possible. This may require multiple consultation sessions on the same topic, especially if the matter is very important.
Involving Others
At times, you may also need to ask for input or assistance from family, friends, a religious or spiritual leader or council, trusted mentors, or others. Consult together about whom you will trust to help you and whether you will meet with them as a couple or individually.
Be very cautious about one of you consulting alone with someone of the opposite gender when the person is not related to you. This can be true even when the person is providing a professional or religious consultation or service. Sometimes your emotional state could lead you to unwise expectations, comparisons, or involvement with the person. If this happens, it is likely to harm your marriage.
Other Attitudes and Skills
Nine attitudes and skills can be particularly helpful for effective consultation:
1. Mutual respect and fellowship
2. Unselfishness and honesty
3. Willingness to speak
4. Listening
5. Patience
6. Speaking effectively
7. Harnessing egotism
8. Creativity
9. Non-offensiveness
(Together Forever, p. 161-62)
You may instinctively move ahead into doing what you want. Humility, patience, and self-discipline will assist you to slow down and engage in consultation instead. These qualities can be valuable during consultation as well, because couple decision-making can take longer. The outcome, however, will be far better and more respectful of your marriage.
~ Pure Gold, Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage (2nd Ed), pp. 29-31
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Books and Materials from Marriage Transformation
If you would like to explore marriage preparation and marriage enrichment more in-depth, we hope our materials and products provide you with both encouragement and support. Our latest book, A Perfectly Funny Marriage, brings fun and laughter to your marriage preparation process and your relationship.
Please visit our e-store regularly for our latest marriage tools: www.marriagetransformation.com/store.htm!
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Upcoming Marriage Transformation Workshops
Bahá'í Social and Economic Development Conference
December 21-22, 2007
We are scheduled to present two workshops on incorporating marriage education into community life
in Orlando, Florida, in December, http://www.rabbanitrust.org/
Full conference details are at www.marriagetransformation.com/learning_workshops_upcoming.htm.
(Yes, Craig's doctors have approved the trip! Yay!)
Plan to Attend the 2008 Smart Marriages Conference!
Remember to plan for the 2008 Smart Marriages Conference, too: San Francisco July 2-5, 2008, with training sessions on the days before and after the conference. Details are provided on the Smart Marriages website, www.smartmarriages.com. A flyer is available for the conference as well:
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/SmartMarriages2008pg1.pdf
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/SmartMarriages2008pg2.pdf
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Books of Interest
Finding Ever After
A Romantic Adventure for Her, An Adventurous Romance for Him
Dr. Robert S. Paul, 2007, ISBN: 978-0-7642-0411-1
This is a truly excellent and marriage-expanding book. It encourages couples to be fully alive and embracing the adventure of marriage on a daily basis. Dr. Paul provides helpful examples and practical tools to live in a fulfilling, growing marriage that contributes to others. He includes the importance of ongoing learning about one another, creating a shared vision, and being playmates. I highly recommend this book be part of your well-thumbed marriage library. (Note: The book is Christian-based.)
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Please contact us if you have any questions or comments, requests for subject matter to be covered in the newsletter, need to change your email address, or want further information about the Marriage Transformation Project. If you wish to unsubscribe from this newsletter, please click on the link below.
Marriage Transformation™ Project
P.O. Box 23085; Cleveland, OH 44123 USA
Phone: 800-501-6682 or (216) 383-9943; Fax: (216) 383-9953
Email: staff@marriagetransformation.com; www.marriagetransformation.com
The Marriage Transformation Project is a global development project committed to relationship, marriage, and character education and skill building for people at all stages of relationships. In addition to our own independent work in developing materials, with a strong focus on character and communications, we draw on many sources. These include the work of marriage researchers, psychologists, philosophers, traditional wisdom, authors, and spiritual sources. These spiritual sources include the following world's religions: Bahá'í Faith, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism.
© 2007 Marriage Transformation LLC; Note: Marriage Transformation is a trademarked term, and the project logo is copyrighted and trademarked. It may not be used for any purpose other than representing the Marriage Transformation Project and Marriage Transformation LLC.
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