© 2005
Marriage Transformation LLC
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Note: Marriage Transformation is a trademarked term, and the project logo is copyrighted and trademarked. It may not be used for any purpose other than representing the Marriage Transformation Project.
"…the life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven—a life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship both mental and physical."
~ ‘Abdu'l-Bahá: Compilation of Compilations, Vol. I , p. 397
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“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. …Love never fails…”
~ The Bible, New International Version; 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5, 8
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"But indeed if any show patience and forgive, that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.”
~
Qur'án , XLII-43
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Marriage Can Be Forever--Preparation Counts!
Walking a Path to a Spiritually-Based Marriage
Learn the steps toward a happy, lasting marriage with this CD-version book that includes a facilitator's guide!
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Don't Spit on the Flowers! Great Ways for Young Adults to Care for Their Relationships
This tri-fold pamphlet supports young adults with the basics of a great relationship. Customize it for your organization or company!
The Marriage Transformation Project is a global social and economic development project committed to marriage education and marriage skill building for people at all stages of relationships. In addition to our own independent work in developing materials, we draw on the work of marriage researchers and experts. We also derive part of our inspiration and content from the teachings of the world's religions. These include the following faiths: Baha'i, Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Jewish, and Muslim.
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Marriage Transformation Message
From Susanne Alexander and Craig Farnsworth
Dear Friends:
It may seem a bit odd to start a marriage newsletter talking about divorce... but here goes. The work of our project is in many ways about divorce prevention. We encourage singles to know each other's character and thoroughly explore compatibility before marriage, so they do not end up in a marriage that fails. We encourage married couples to engage in ongoing relationship enrichment so that they nurture love and unity.
We saw these commitments in action this weekend at our two workshops in Ann Arbor , Michigan . Singles and couples fully engaged in learning whatever they could to support them in having great relationships. It was a privilege to be with them. (See a few of the photos at www.marriagetransformation.com/learning_workshops_AnnArbor.htm.)
This month's featured book is one that has been out for awhile, but remains popular and still benefits your relationships and marriage. Michele Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting lays out an approach that one or both spouses can use quickly and easily to turn around a marriage that is struggling. She reminds us that even a small positive change one partner makes can have a profound and lasting effect on the marriage--change your marriage by changing yourself. She also stresses that divorce often does not solve problems and that it frequently only makes them worse, especially when there are young children and custody issues.
Often couples do not need deep analysis of their issues and an airing of all the "wrongs." In fact, this often leaves couples feeling more hopeless. Weiner-Davis' approach is that most people are willing to change, they just do not know how. She includes in her book such guidance as:
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Describe what you want to accomplish instead of what your spouse is doing wrong
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Make note of what specific behavior you would see that would indicate you are on the right track (I will say "I love you" twice a week, or I will clean up the kitchen if you cook)
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Do not keep doing more and more of what is not working while hoping for a different outcome
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Note what you are each doing when things are going well and you are getting along (or did when you were getting along), and do more of that more often
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Notice where and when arguments happen and consider what you could change
We do not have room to share all the wisdom in the book, but we will share one more nugget: "Change does not have to be a laborious, painful, or lengthy process." (p. 91) However, change is required. If there is conflict in your relationship, doing more of the same will get you somewhere...the divorce court. (Additional resources are available at www.divorcebusting.com.)
Loving greetings,
Susanne and Craig
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Share the Gift of Love: Book Sale
Price Reduction on Great Marriage Books and Products
Anniversaries, special occasions, engagements, and weddings are wonderful opportunities to share the gift of love. Whether it is for a special couple in your life, or for yourself, relationship and marriage enrichment tools support and nurture every facet of our lives.
Marriage Transformation LLC is committed to empowering people to create happy, lasting marriages. For a limited time, we are lowering our prices on many useful products to help support the relationships and marriages in your life. As an added bonus, each order will also receive a complimentary copy of What's Character Got To Do With It? Enhancing Sëxual Intimacy in Your Marriage, a fun and witty booklet that gives you 52 practical and creative ways to enhance intimacy in marriage! Check out these great promotions:
The Pure Gold Wedding Package
Includes Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage,
the Marriage Prayer Audio Gift card, and a magnet
Now only $20 (Retail price $27.40)
Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage (Second Edition)
By Susanne M. Alexander with Craig A. Farnsworth and John S. Miller
Now only $9 (Retail price $15.95)
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
By Gary Chapman
Now only $8 (Retail price $12.99)
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
Now only $13 (Retail hardcover price $17.99)
The Love List: Eight Little Things That Make a Big Difference in Your Marriage
By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
Now only $11 (Retail hardcover price $14.99)
Love Talk: Speak Each Other's Language Like You Never Have Before
By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
Now only $14 (Retail hardcover price $19.99)
Show your friends, your loved ones, and yourself the importance of love, respect, and commitment. Order your marriage enrichment tools and wedding packages NOW by clicking on the above links or by visiting our online store at www.marriagetransformation.com/store.htm!
Hurry! Products will go quickly and these low prices are in effect only through Sunday, October 2! All US orders will arrive by Sweetest Day (Sunday, October 16). Expedited service is available at an additional cost.
Credit card and personal check orders may also be placed by telephone,
216-383-9943.
(Office hours are generally 9:30 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern US time) >Index

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Marriage (and Relationship) Warning Signs and Solutions
It is our hope that, through marriage education, people will avoid divorce. As you assess the health and well-being of your relationship, you may notice a few areas of concern. Below are warning signs of relationship trouble to watch for and solutions to help you maintain a lasting marriage.
Reflection Question: What indicates to you when your marriage is having trouble? John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and his team at the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington, have discovered a number of couple indicators that warn of trouble in a marriage (John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work). The warning signs paraphrased from the book are:
- Starting interactions negatively and harshly
- Being critical of your partner's character (character attack)
- Showing contempt for your partner (sneering, mocking, being superior)
- Being defensive with your partner (a form of blame)
- Shutting your partner out and avoiding communication (stonewalling)
- Strong physical responses to a flood of negativity, such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, or sweating
- Many attempts at repairing the relationship have failed
- You have only bad memories in your relationship and no good ones
Reflection Question: What indicates to you when your marriage is doing well?
Some Positive Marriage Practices
- Daily prayer and scripture reading
- Conscious focus on positive memories
- Bonding rituals and familiar positive routines (see www.smartmarriages.com for ideas)
- Listening and sharing
- Using Character Quality Language
- Consulting through issues (instead of fighting or withdrawal)
- Maintaining a sense of humor and having fun together
- Expressing love effectively (The Five Love Languages)
- Pausing/stopping if communications are becoming disunified
- Keep strengthening your marriage; do not wait until it is almost irreparable to seek competent help
The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (Gottman/Silver, ISBN 0609805797) additional suggestions:
- Enhance Your Love Map - Know one another's goals, worries,
hopes
- Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
- Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
- Let Your Partner Influence You
- Solve Your Solvable Problems
- Overcome Gridlock (Move into dialogue, share and fulfill dreams)
- Create Shared Meaning (Share your convictions)
Gottman and Silver say “...happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” They define friendship as “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” (p. 19) They also say, “These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.” (pp. 19-20)
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Media Coverage
We are continuing to make strong efforts to spread the message about the importance of character in relationships. This month, we are happy to report coverage in the following publications:
The News-Herald, September 11, 2005
Concerns about Cohabitation
First Years and Forever, September 2005
(Monthly e-newsletter for newlyweds from the Family Ministries Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago)
"Does Your Marriage Have Character?"
The Euclid Sun Journal, September 1, 2005
"Snapshot: Susanne Alexander"
Q&A and small article about what Susanne is up to
The Euclid Observer, September 2005
"Does Your Marriage Have Character?"
Comcast: Relationships
Article: "His Bad Habits"
Please see the Media Section on our website for ongoing news coverage.
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Workshops in the News
Character in Relationships and Marriage
Location: Gateway Language Village, Zhuhai, China
Date: October 11, 2005 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Location: Baha'i Centre, Tsimshatsui, Kowloon, Hong Kong
Date: October 13, 2005 7:30 pm - 9:30 pm
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Make Your Marriage Pure Gold
Location: Bosch Baha'i School, Santa Cruz, California
Date: Thursday, November 10 - Sunday, November 13
Marriage educators and spouses Susanne M. Alexander and Craig A. Farnsworth will guide married couples through group and couple activities and interactive discussions. Learn and explore the vital topics that challenge most married couples as you build a happy, lasting marriage. Topics will include family unity, spiritual practices, consultation skills, character, money, sëx, listening, time and service, and more. You are welcome to email topic requests to susanne@marriagetransformation.com. Required Book: Second Edition of Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage, available at the Bosch bookstore, through our online store, www.marriagetransformation.com/store.htm, or the Baha'i Distribution Service, 1-800-999-9019; (www.bahaibookstore.com). To get the most out of this weekend, Bosch requires married couples attend together and commit to attending the entire workshop.
To register or get more details about Bosch Baha'i School, please visit their website at www.bosch.org.
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Other Workshops of Interest
International Marriage Conference
10th Anniversary Celebration
Presented by N.A.M.E. (National Association of Marriage Enrichment)
Location: Phoenix First Assembly, 13613 North Cave Creek Road,
Phoenix, AZ 85022
Dates: October 6-8, 2005
See their website, www.marriageconferences.com/pages/home.php, for more information and registration.
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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference
Location:
Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Dates: June 22-25, 2006
Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes: June 20-22 and 26-28
Visit www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html for more information. You may also wish to subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at
www.smartmarriages.com. (Note: This is a heavy traffic listserve. )
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Divorce Busting:
A Step-by-Step Approach to making Your Marriage Loving Again
Michele Weiner-Davis, 1992, ISBN: 0671797255
Generic marriage-saving advice has no place in this book. Instead, you will find a step-by-step, nuts-and-bolts approach to getting unstuck and making your marriage loving again.
In this ground-breaking book, Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW gives straightforward, effective advice on how couples can stay together instead of come apart.
Using case histories to illustrate her marriage-enriching, divorce-preventing techniques, which can be used even if only one partner participates, Weiner-Davis shows readers:
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How to leave the past behind and set attainable goals
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Strategies for identifying problem-solving behavior that works--and how to make changes last
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“Uncommon-sense” methods for breaking unproductive patterns
Inspirational and accessible, Divorce Busting shows readers in pain that working it out is better than getting out. (www.divorcebusting.com)

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Listserves/Newsletter Subscriptions
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Did a friend forward this newsletter to you and now you want to receive your own copy each month in your email inbox? To sign up for this newsletter, go to our home page, www.marriagetransformation.com, and register in the "Newsletter Sign Up" box!
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Please contact us at staff@marriagetransformation.com or (216) 383-9943 if you have any questions or comments, requests for subject matter to be covered in the newsletter, need to change your email address, or want further information about the Marriage Transformation Project. If you wish to unsubscribe from this newsletter, please click on the link below.
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