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Marriage Transformation Project Message:
Apology and Forgiveness
Dear Friends and Colleagues:
Please accept my APOLOGY for sending you so much information at one time and I ask your FORGIVENESS! This is a large topic and I'm combining two months into one...
Healing yourself and healing disruptions and challenges in relationships is vital to move forward as a couple effectively. Taking steps to address and resolve issues frees you from the past and creates the opportunity for a better future. Forgiveness allows a resumption of unity and the freedom to move forward as a couple. When grudges or resentment remain instead, the bond between the couple is strained and damaged.
Craig and I observe that in relationships where forgiveness does not occur, for either small or large hurtful words and actions, the bond often begins to fail. Therefore, we urge you to understand and practice this concept more regularly and intentionally.
We define forgiveness as: pardoning someone for saying or doing something hurtful or harmful, giving up a desire for revenge, and letting go of anger and resentment.
There is now significant research on the quality of forgiveness and resources about how to practice it. In his book Why Good Things Happen to Good People, author Stephen Post, Ph.D. shares some of the research and his own observations and experience related to service, generosity, gratitude, courage, joyfulness, respect, compassion, loyalty, creativity, and forgiveness. The entire book is well worth reading, but I'll focus here on just one aspect of it. Dr. Post indicates that one of the key barriers to people forgiving one another is a lack of understanding about what it is and what it is not. He says that forgiveness researchers agree that it is not:
- Forgetting
- Condoning
- Excusing
- Trusting without reason
- Forgoing legal or financial reparation
- Reconciling if it would in any way endanger the victim's safety or health
- Forgoing justice
Dr. Post shares four stages of forgiveness proposed by researcher Robert Enright:
- Uncovering (fully examining the hurt and outcome)
- Deciding (considering forgiving someone and how to accomplish it)
- Understanding (trying to understand the person who harmed you and see your shared humanity; evoke love, compassion, and empathy)
- Deepening (seeing the meaning in the experience and the value of forgiving)
When someone offers an apology it is "the single largest predictor of forgiveness. To offer and accept an apology is really one of the most potent and poignant human interactions. More than anything a sincere apology helps restore a relationship. Apology has the ability to wash away resentment and bitterness. ... [T]he richer an apology is--admitting responsibility for a mistake, expressing remorse, and offering to repair the situation--the more powerful it is. The key to apology, however, is remorse. Remorse truly conveys distress, self-awareness, and regret. It also elicits empathy in the hurt person." (p. 95)
Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas also explore the practical steps to forgiveness in The Five Languages of Apology. According to them, the need for apology impacts all human relationships. Apologies and forgiveness indicate relationship strength between two emotionally healthy partners and can lead to reconciliation when there has been hurt or disagreement. Chapman and Thomas report that their research and experience have shown that saying, “I'm sorry” is often inadequate to restore a relationship to harmony. They also note that 75% of couples have different preferred Languages of Apology. Different people need different words and actions in order to feel that an incident is complete, closed, and healed.
Couples can respond to incidents using one or all of the Five Languages of Apology:
- Expressing Regret: “I am sorry.”
- Accepting Responsibility: “I was wrong.”
- Making Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
- Genuinely Repenting: “I will try not to do that again.”
- Requesting Forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”
Any or all five of these responses may be appropriate in different circumstances. However, since the intent of each is somewhat different, it is important to know which Language communicates most effectively with your partner/spouse and which communicates most effectively to you. The authors assert that we all find it easier to forgive when we receive an apology in our preferred Language of Apology.
Chapman and Thomas say that a number of factors may also be important to consider when offering an apology:
- Your tone of voice and body language must match your words in order for the receiver to believe that your apology is sincere.
- It helps to specifically state what the apology is for and to acknowledge the hurt caused.
- Avoid any language (such as “…but…”) that communicates blame to the person to whom you are apologizing. Attacks do not usually lead to forgiveness and reconciliation.
- Do not use an apology to try to manipulate someone; for example, apologizing in the hope that the recipient will change some behavior.
- Depending on the circumstances and relationship, you may find it most effective to put your apology in writing.
You may resist apologizing if you believe that admitting you made a mistake indicates you are a bad, demeaned, or inferior person. In fact, in a healthy relationship, delivering an effective apology, receiving forgiveness, and experiencing reconciliation can boost your self-confidence and self-respect.
Chapman and Thomas recognize that when you offend your partner or spouse, an emotional barrier often arises between you. The relationship cannot go forward as effectively until that barrier is removed. Apologizing and requesting (not demanding!) forgiveness helps to remove that barrier and assures your partner/spouse that you take responsibility for your offense. Requesting forgiveness can be frightening, as it actually puts the future of your relationship in the other person's hands. You may also feel as if you are setting yourself up for rejection or failure, which is also very threatening. However, if you are in a relationship where trust is established, allowing yourself to feel vulnerable can strengthen the relationship—and your partner's own trust in you can be strengthened by your willingness to be vulnerable.
Accepting an apology and agreeing to forgive may also be a challenge. Forgiveness means that you give up your desire for justice, let go of hurt and anger, and set aside any feelings of embarrassment or humiliation, rejection, or betrayal. Forgiveness may not remove all the consequences or painful emotions related to a hurtful situation, but it communicates a commitment to accept your partner/spouse in spite of what he/she has done. Forgiveness reflects is a decision to show mercy, not to demand justice. Remember to also apologize to and forgive yourself.
After being hurt deeply by a partner/spouse, one usually feels a strong need for affirmation of the other's love. You can increase the likelihood of reconciliation by pairing your apology with words and actions that effectively express love for your partner in his or her preferred Love Language (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch; Gary Chapman has numerous books on this concept that assist people to keep the Love Tank of others full by expressing love in the way the person most wants to receive it.)
To help you to determine your preferred Language of Apology to receive from others, reflect on the following:
- What do I expect the other person to do or say?
- What hurts most deeply about this situation?
- What Language is most important to me when I apologize to others?
- What do I consider the most important part of an apology?
- What seemed to be lacking in an apology that disappointed me?
Please see the rest of the newsletter for more helpful information on this topic. And, please consider practicing forgiveness regularly in your relationships and marriages.
Loving greetings,
Susanne Alexander
Relationship, Marriage, and Character Coach
PS - Please join us in practicing the Character Qualities of the Month - Forgiveness. Learn more below.
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Soothe Your Relationship and Marriage with
The OuchKit
When words and actions cause disharmony and pain in your relationships and marriages, it takes time, forgiveness, and communication to strengthen your bond again.
Betsy Sansby, a licensed marriage and family therapist, created the OuchKit, a simple tool for identifying and expressing your emotions without blame or defensiveness. You fill out a card matching your mood and leave it for your partner; he or she will respond with an appropriate card. For more information, visit www.theouchkit.com.
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Media Coverage
Radio Interview: WCPN Cleveland, National Public Radio-affiliated Station
Listen here: http://www.wcpn.org/index.php/WCPN/news/9816/ (approx. 4 min. long)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Interview with Susanne Alexander
Topic: Humor and Relationships - A Perfectly Funny Marriage
Further details about the book discussed in the interview are available at:
www.marriagetransformation.com/store_FunnyMarriage.htm You can see details of other recent media coverage at:
www.marriagetransformation.com/mediacenter_mediacoverage.htm
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Craig's Healing Journey
The last weeks have been more difficult, and we feel grateful for everyone's support and prayers. You may share our journey at www.factbasedspiritguidedpath.blogspot.com. Craig's comments are in the blog content and mine are in the comments section.
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Character Quality of the Month: Forgiveness
Adapted from Can We Dance? Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship
Forgiveness is pardoning someone for saying or doing something hurtful or harmful, giving up a desire for revenge and letting go of anger and resentment.
Someone practices Forgiveness effectively when he/she:
- Examines what happened with discernment and compassion, tries to understand it and the person, accepts it as unchangeable, grieves sufficiently, and lets go of his/her feelings of anger, resentment, pain, or bitterness
- Gives others and himself/herself the opportunity to restore a relationship after a hurtful experience, speaking and acting as needed to express remorse, apologize, change, make amends, resolve issues, reconcile, and start over anew
- Seeks to understand the values, culture, and viewpoints of others
- Resists focusing excessively on the faults and mistakes of others and himself/herself, releasing grudges or hurts about words or actions
- Values inner harmony and unity with others enough to let go of negative feelings about the past
- Pardons a wrongdoer, including oneself, with sincerity and courage
Someone needs to strengthen Forgiveness when he/she:
- Keeps replaying the incident in his/her mind and holds onto bitterness and anger
- Seeks revenge
- Refuses to accept an apology when someone else has made a mistake or to make amends when he/she is at fault
- Holds grudges and resentment and raises a problem or former error repeatedly
- Withholds acceptance and pardon until the other person specifically asks for it
- Criticizes the words or actions of others or himself/herself repeatedly and often harshly
Someone misuses the strength of Forgiveness when he/she:
- Accepts unjust, abusive, or harmful actions from someone without resolution
- Avoids holding others or himself/herself accountable for words or actions
- Behaves poorly without restraint because he/she presumes automatic forgiveness
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Books of Interest
Why Good Things Happen to Good People:
The Exciting New Research That Proves the Link Between Doing Good and
Living a Longer, Healthier, Happier Life
Stephen Post, PhD, and Jill Neimark, 2007, ISBN: 978-0-7679-2017-9
This book is rich in research-based understandings about character and altruistic service to others. When I finished reading the book, it was full of highlights and post-it notes...a sure sign I loved it! Dr. Post is president of the Institute for Research on Unlimited Love and a bioethics professor at Case Western Reserve University's School of Medicine in Cleveland, Ohio, USA. He brings personal and professional examples and the stories of others together with a glimpse into some of the wonderful research the Institute is funding at universities. Each chapter also contains excellent suggestions and measurements for personal transformation. http://www.stephengpost.com/
The Five Languages of Apology:
How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships
Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, 2006, ISBN 978-1-881273-79-2
We have been looking for practical ways to teach forgiveness skills to couples and this book is a great resource for that, as well as an excellent companion to The Five Love Languages, which we already recommend to all couples. Excellent examples and clear language make the art of apologizing accessible to all.
www.garychapman.org
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Inspirational and Expert Insights About Apology and Forgiveness
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, until seventy times seven.” (The Bible, Matthew 18:20-22)
“Love … keeps no record of wrongs.” (ibid, 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5)
“…if any show patience and forgive, that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.” (Qur'án, XLII: 43)
“If some one commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him. Do not complain of others. Refrain from reprimanding them, and if you wish to give admonition or advice, let it be offered in such a way that it will not burden the bearer. Turn all your thoughts toward bringing joy to hearts. Beware! Beware! lest ye offend any heart.” (‘Abdu'l-Bahá: Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 453)
“A greater degree of love will produce a greater unity, because it enables people to bear with each other, to be patient and forgiving.” (On behalf of Shoghi Effendi, The Compilation of Compilations, Vol. II, p. 12-13)
“...[B] be ever ready to overlook each other's mistakes, apologize for harsh words they have uttered, forgive and forget. He strongly recommends to you this course of action.” (On behalf of Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 601)
“[I]f we spontaneously desire to acknowledge we have been wrong in something, or that we have some fault of character, and ask another person's forgiveness or pardon, we are quite free to do so. ...[H]owever,...we are not obliged to do so. It rests entirely with the individual.” (On behalf of Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 179)
“…the need to overlook the shortcomings of others, to forgive and conceal their misdeeds, not to expose their bad qualities, but to search for and affirm their praiseworthy ones, and endeavor to be always forbearing, patient, and merciful.” (On behalf of the Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance , p. 90)
“Don't pretend that you are putting effort into your marriage when you have a mental ledger book detailing your spouse's every wrongdoing. As long as you are holding on to resentments of the past, you can't be forgiving. As long as you are not forgiving, you can't be loving. As long as you aren't loving, you can't do what it takes to make your marriage work. So decide. Are you going to carry a grudge and stand by while you and your spouse become a divorce statistic or are you going to rid yourself of the shackles of the past which have held you prisoner? Forgive your spouse and start anew.” (Michele Weiner-Davis, Divorce Busting, pp. 232-233)
Forgiveness is “…giving up your perceived right to get even. It is a strategy for making things right again that does not involve revenge.” (Natalie Jenkins quoted in Scott M. Stanley, The Power of Commitment, p. 205)
Forgiveness frees you from holding against the person what they did. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott say that forgiving is choosing to reject “…vengeance, renounce bitterness, break the silence of estrangement, and actually wish the best” for the other person. They also say, “Forgiveness is not for the faint-hearted. Our sense of justice usually recoils at the thought of this unnatural act. Only the brave forgive.” (Drs. Les Parrott III & Leslie Parrott, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages,
p. 142) "When you forgive, you need to do more than say the words and mean them. You also have to extend a forgiving, helping hand. To truly forgive, you need to be gracious to your partner. Being kind and generous as well as granting pardon will put you back on the same footing and keep your love strong." (Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Natalie H. Jenkins, and Carol Whiteley, 12 Hours to a Great Marriage,
p. 207)
"When you forgive, you need to do more than say the words and mean them. You also have to extend a forgiving, helping hand. To truly forgive, you need to be gracious to your partner. Being kind and generous as well as granting pardon will put you back on the same footing and keep your love strong." (ibid)
Research psychologist Charlotte Witvliet of Hope College in Michigan conceives of forgiveness as “a powerful act, definitely not flimsy or sappy. In order to forgive you must first tell the true story of exactly what happened, grieve it fully, and then turn away from grudges, bitterness, and the kind of ruminating that amplifies the story and gives it too much replay time. It's simply too easy to summarize someone in terms of their worst behavior. They may have profoundly messed up and yet even so have wonderful qualities.” (quoted in Stephen Post, Why Good Things Happen to Good People, p. 81)
“The greatest challenge in life is forgiving ourselves—and it's actually harder than forgiving others. … [W]e can achieve full self-acceptance only by deeply recognizing that we are loved by God despite the wrong we've done or the good we've failed to do.” ( Stephen Post, Why Good Things Happen to Good People, p. 86 )
“Just deciding to forgive someone doesn't work very well, according to studies. Far more effective is the process of invoking love, compassion, and empathy and practicing forgiveness exercises.” (ibid, p. 89)
“Respect, kindness, and compassion are the best strategies any of us have to pave the way toward forgiveness—and even reconciliation—in difficult circumstances.” (ibid, p. 93)
“In exasperating situations, we must find the time to pause and reflect if we are not afterwards to regret our words and actions. The Golden Rule, ‘Do unto others what you would have them do unto you' or ‘Do not do to others that which you do not wish done to yourself' is a useful guideline for action.” (Mehri Sefidvash, Coral and Pearls, pp. 27-28)
"Forgiveness can also enhance mental health. Think of it this way: People want to be happy. Transgressions make them unhappy." (Everett L. Worthington Jr., The Power of Forgiving , p. 41)
“You were sure that if one tried to hurt her [Bahíyyih Khánum, Bahá'u'lláh's daughter] she would wish to console him for his own cruelty. For her love was unconditioned, could penetrate disguise and see hunger behind the mask of fury, and she knew that the most brutal self is secretly hoping to find gentleness in another…. Something greater than forgiveness she had shown in meeting the cruelties and strictures in her own life. To be hurt and to forgive is saintly but far beyond this is the power to comprehend and not be hurt.… She was never known to complain or lament. It was not that she made the best of things, but that she found in everything, even in calamity itself, the germs of enduring wisdom. She did not resist the shocks and upheavals of life and she did not run counter to obstacles. She was never impatient. She was as incapable of impatience as she was of revolt. But this was not so much long-sufferance as it was quiet awareness of the forces that operate in the hours of waiting and inactivity.” ( Marjory Morten, Bahá'í World, Vol. 5, pp. 182-185)
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Sharing a Gift of Love
As mentioned in my opening message, the Five Love Languages is a powerful tool in rebuilding your marriage. At the Smart Marriage conference last July,
I had the pleasure of meeting Artist Raphaella Vaisseau of Heartful Art, Inc. (www.heartfulart.com). Her creative and colorful artwork can make a wonderful expression of love during difficult times, whether your "language" is words of affirmation or receiving gifts.
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Practicing Forgiveness
Potential Costs of Not Forgiving
Consider the potential costs to you personally and to your relationship/marriage of refusing to forgive. These may be some of them:
- intimacy and affinity
- trust
- honesty
- security
- happiness
- self-respect
- freedom
- energy
- health
- uncertainty
- vitality
- confidence
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- productivity
- integrity
- a future
- self-expression
- fulfillment
- love
- family
- social life
- friendship
- self-confidence
- serenity
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Reflection: Who did harm? Whom do I want to forgive? Why? What will help me to forgive? Whom do I choose to forgive? What will help it be permanent? Do I have any self-forgiveness to do?
1. Which Language of Apology appears to be my primary one?
2. Am I receiving the Language of Apology I most need from my partner/spouse? How do I feel and respond when my partner/spouse apologizes by using this Language? If he/she does not use this language, how do I think I would feel if he/she did use it?
3. How do I feel and respond if my partner/spouse uses one of the other Languages of Apology (or none of them) and rarely uses the one that means the most to me?
4. What do I think is the primary Language of Apology of my partner/spouse?
5. Which Language of Apology is easiest for me to use with my partner/spouse? Which do I use most often?
6. Does the Language of Apology I use most often match what I saw as the primary Language of my partner/spouse?
7. What can I do to strengthen my ability to practice the Language of Apology my partner/spouse most appreciates?
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Upcoming Marriage Transformation Workshops
Married and Engaged Couples Workshop
Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
June 13-15, 2008
Create an excellent marriage by spending the weekend on a marriage retreat that is engaging and enjoyable for both men and women. Join authors and marriage educators Susanne M. Alexander and Craig A. Farnsworth for an interactive and participatory exploration into healthy, happy marriages.
For more information, go to our Upcoming Workshops web page. For further questions, contact Raelee Pierce at raelee@nc.rr.com.
Adventure in Intimacy Workshops
You are invited to attend a very special couples workshop presented by Hedy and
Yumi Schleifer, an exceptionally gifted mentor couple who give their workshops
for couples all over the world. These three-day Adventure In Intimacy workshops will enhance, deepen and transform your
most important relationship.
Upcoming 2008 workshops include:
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April 11-13 workshop in Ft. Lauderdale, FL (USA)
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July 11-13 workshop in Ft. Lauderdale, FL
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September 13-14 in Orlando, FL
Hedy and Yumi are master teachers in the art of Relational Connections. They are unique, human, open,
authentic, and absolutely real. They put their heart and soul into connecting with every participant,
combining their material with unconditional love, humor, and incredible wisdom, to provide a life-changing
experience that can't be duplicated.
For more information and to register, visit www.HedyYumi.org or contact Geoffrey at 305-604-0010.
Plan to Attend the 2008 Smart Marriages Conference!
Remember to plan for the 2008 Smart Marriages Conference in San Francisco July 2-5, 2008, with training sessions on the days before and after the conference. Details are provided on the Smart Marriages website, www.smartmarriages.com. A flyer is available for the conference as well:
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/SmartMarriages2008pg1.pdf
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/SmartMarriages2008pg2.pdf
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Please contact us if you have any questions or comments, requests for subject matter to be covered in the newsletter, need to change your email address, or want further information about the Marriage Transformation Project. If you wish to unsubscribe from this newsletter, please click on the link below.
Marriage Transformation
® Project
P.O. Box 23085; Cleveland, OH 44123 USA
Phone: 800-501-6682 or (216) 383-9943; Fax: (216) 383-9953
Email: staff@marriagetransformation.com; www.marriagetransformation.com
The Marriage Transformation Project is a global development project committed to relationship, marriage, and character education and skill building for people at all stages of relationships. In addition to our own independent work in developing materials, with a strong focus on character and communications, we draw on many sources. These include the work of marriage researchers, psychologists, philosophers, traditional wisdom, authors, and spiritual sources. These spiritual sources include the following world's religions: Bahá'í Faith, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism.
© 2008 Marriage Transformation LLC; Note: Marriage Transformation is a trademarked term, and the project logo is copyrighted and trademarked. It may not be used for any purpose other than representing the Marriage Transformation Project and Marriage Transformation LLC.
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