©2004Empowering people to create happy, lasting, spiritually-based
marriages—the foundation of a prosperous, unified world
| June
2006 |
Volume 3, Issue 4 |
© 2006
Marriage Transformation LLC
Q & A with Life Coach
Joanna Vanderpol
New Book Release:
Can We Dance
Upcoming
Marriage Transformation Workshops
Listserves/
Newsletter Subscriptions
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Character Quality
of the Month:
DETACHMENT
"Detachment is stepping back from letting one’s feelings and attachments be in control and gaining a greater perspective of what is happening.
I am practicing Detachment effectively when I:
• Empathize with others without making their feelings my own
• Think rationally and clearly, and my responses are based upon the known facts without personal bias, strong emotions, or imagined situations
• Gather and examine the facts of a project, situation, or person, and seek input from others
• Accept not being somewhere or with someone that I love
• Let go of overly strong fears of losing something or someone based on previous experiences
• Understand a partner’s limitations and stop holding unreasonable expectations
• Throw or give away unnecessary items in my home or office"
~ Excerpt from Can We Dance?
(page 421)
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On sale for $13.95!
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(Second Edition)
Discover how character qualities such as trustworthiness, loyalty, truthfulness, and courage can transform your marriage and enrich your communication skills!
"Pure Gold is a
lifeline for today's couples."
~ Linda Kavelin Popov, author of A Pace of Grace (honored by the Dalai Lama)
Y Y Y Y Y
Watch our short inspirational movie here! (2 min, 30 sec)
Y Y Y Y Y
The Marriage Transformation Project is a global
social and economic development project committed to relationship
and marriage education and skill building for people at
all stages of relationships. In addition to our own independent work
in developing materials, with a strong focus on character and communications,
we draw on many sources. These include the work of marriage researchers, psychologists, philosophers, traditional wisdom, authors, and spiritual sources. These spiritual sources include the following world's religions: Baha'i Faith,
Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, and Islam.
Click here for further
project information.
We welcome new subscribers! Please share! From Susanne Alexander and Craig Farnsworth Relationship Coaches & Marriage Educators Dear Friends and Colleagues: Considering Emotional Intelligence The last several weeks for us have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions and activities, hellos and goodbyes. We spent time in Israel on spiritual pilgrimage, visited family from China for only a day and a half, and visited Craig's daughter, her husband and our two-year-old granddaughter (who are now hours instead of minutes away). This was all while we handled a disruption in the printing of our new book Can We Dance?, and led a workshop for a major marriage conference. Sometimes the pace has been fast enough that there has been a delay in noticing and acknowledging the accompanying emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, fear.... Sometimes being in a relationship or marriage is like this. The pace can move quickly at times, and it often takes stepping back and having some quiet time to recognize what you are really feeling. We call this practicing the character quality of detachment--gaining some perspective by creating some emotional distance. Make sure that when you practice it, however, that it is detachment with love. The goal is to assist you to be wise in understanding your feelings and in making your relationship choices, not to create disharmony and disunity with those you care about. On our pilgrimage, we had the blessing of meeting Johanna Vanderpol, a Personal Life Coach, who is living and working on Vancouver Island off the west coast of Canada. Her book, Honouring Your Emotions--Why It Matters, is our featured book this month (see below). Johanna reminds all of us that, "Emotions act as a form of communication for ourselves to be aware of what we need and how to go about getting our needs met." She says that they are a "dynamic information network" that originates from our minds and bodies, affects our behavior, and assists us in communicating with others. The key when expressing emotions in relationships is ensuring that you are honest about them but do not do harm. Sometimes at a stressful moment, you may be tempted to react and express strong emotions without thinking of the consequences. This is where your character qualities can assist you. Pause and practice self-discipline, and then remember to be tactful, kind, loving, and more as you share how you feel with your partner or spouse. Expressing emotions is a vital part of a friendship-based relationship and marriage. Being responsible for how you express your emotions, and using the character qualities to assist you, helps you and your partner to maintain unity. Loving greetings,
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Q&A with Life Coach Johanna Vanderpol Why should couples honor their own and each other's emotions? Honoring helps each other clarify emotions, feel heard, and feel connected to each other. What are some of the functions of emotions? Emotions are chemical messengers in the body telling the body to increase or decrease the heart rate or blood pressure through chemical messengers such as cortisol or adrenaline. They are a felt sensation in the body that alerts us as to whether we are feeling joy, sadness, fear, anger, or a host of other emotions. Positive emotions tell us to move closer to the pleasant event or circumstance. Negative emotions tell us to move away from an unpleasant circumstance or to adjust it accordingly. For example, one of anger's messages can be that a personal boundary has been violated. On recognizing this, we can respectfully communicate the issue to the other person. If that boundary continues to be violated, we then may choose to remove ourselves from the situation. One of fear's messages is to exercise caution and to protect ourselves from a dangerous situation. It could be a physical danger or a threat to our identity. The danger could be physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual. How can partners in a relationship encourage each other to express emotions? They can create an emotionally safe environment free from judgment. This is done by mirroring and acknowledging what the other partner has said and by truly understanding their point of view. What happens when one person in a couple is unable to express their emotions? Since emotions are messages or information about oneself, the person unable to express their emotions may not know themselves well. Hence, the other partner will also not be able to get to know their mate. This can then inhibit intimacy. What boundaries are good ones for couples related to their emotions? • When one of the partners cannot do any more dialogue in a difficult situation, • When the emotions get very heated, it takes the body at least 20 minutes to • The basic boundary is one of self-respect and respect for the other person, What are some safe ways for someone to lessen the intensity of negative feelings before discussing them with a partner or spouse? It is best to allow time for physiological responses to return to baseline (about 20 minutes). It also helps to be clear about and honor their own emotions, beliefs, and needs. After this calming and clarity, then and only then communicate those emotions, beliefs, and needs to the other person. Is it important for couples to express love to each other? Why? Yes, because it builds each other's respect and confidence and encourages unity between them. What other emotions are vital to express in a relationship? In order to have an authentic relationship, the partners need to express all emotions regularly with self- respect, freedom from judgment, and respect for each other. Honoring Your Emotions ~ Johanna Vanderpol, Honouring Your Emotions, p. 32 RHUME™ Model for Moving Through Anger R: Recognize Your Anger ~ Johanna Vanderpol, Honouring Your Emotions For more information, see www.johannavanderpol.com.
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Special Price of $17.50 (retail is $18.95) Can We Dance? We urge individuals to prepare for a relationship before being in a relationship. This book is designed to walk you through the stages of ensuring you are ready to be a happy, mature partner, with a clear understanding of yourself and a clear vision of what is important in a partner. Then, it guides you through the steps to establish a great friendship-based relationship. The focus throughout the book is on character - yours and your partner's - and the communication techniques and skills that support knowing each other well. It will help you make excellent choices. Can We Dance? is a 480-page guide filled with wisdom, activities, cartoons, reflection questions, worksheets, and much more that are designed to empower you to have a happy, lasting relationship that can lead to marriage! Learn more about the book here!
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FOX 8 News Cleveland, Ohio--Marriage and Dating Segment, June 26, 2006 Link: Best Franchise Opportunities. March 2006
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Upcoming Marriage Transformation Workshops Susanne will be at Maxwell School on Vancouver Island, British Columbia (Canada) for a singles weekend based on Can We Dance? August 11-13 and she and Craig will be together for a married couples weekend based on Pure Gold August 18-20. See http://www.maxwell.bc.ca/learning/eaglearts.php for details. We will return this year to Bosch Baha'i School in Santa Cruz, California (USA) for a married couples weekend November 10-12. The singles weekend November 3-5 has been cancelled, because Susanne's daughter, Jennifer, is GETTING MARRIED THAT WEEKEND!! Watch for more details in future newsletters or send us an email! |
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SAVE THE DATE! 11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference Visit www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html for more information. You may also wish to subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com. (Note: This is a heavy traffic listserve.)
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Honouring Your Emotions: Why It Matters Johanna has drawn on her extensive experiences in working with clients to expand the field of emotional intelligence in this very accessible book. She addresses the importance of processing emotions and gives practical ways to reduce suffering and achieve emotional freedom. For more information, see www.johannavanderpol.com. ISBN: 0-9735699-0-5; 129 pages; $14.95 US
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Listserves Join our listserves if you want to learn more or become involved in marriage education! Join today and help transform marriages! MarriageTransformationEducator-Subscribe@yahoogroups.com Get the latest news about marriage and The Marriage Transformation Project as it happens! Join our announcement listserve today! MarriageTransformation-Subscribe@yahoogroups.com Did a friend forward this newsletter to you and now you want to receive your own copy each month in your email inbox? To sign up for this newsletter, go to our home page, www.marriagetransformation.com, and register in the "Newsletter Sign Up" box!
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Please contact us at staff@marriagetransformation.com or (216) 383-9943 if you have any questions or comments, requests for subject matter to be covered in the newsletter, need to change your email address, or want further information about the Marriage Transformation Project. If you wish to unsubscribe from this newsletter, please click on the link below. |
Marriage Transformation™ Project
P.O. Box 23085
www.marriagetransformation.com
by Susanne Alexander
Joyce Ashman
and Design
by Joyce Ashman