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Welcome this month to all the people who found us through our booth at the Smart Marriages Conference in Denver!
Marriage Transformation Project Message:
Sacrifice and Marriage
Dear Friends and Colleagues:
We have just returned from the annual international Smart Marriages and Happy Family Conference. Now, of course, we are bursting with new concepts and insights to share from researchers, relationship/marriage educators, new authors, and more! Our newsletters over the coming months will share much of what we learned and how you can use it in your relationship or marriage.
One of the keynotes was Scott Stanley, who has been doing research in this field for decades. His topic was sacrifice. He defined it as an action (not just talk), whereby one person freely chooses to give up something for the other without resentment. It is essentially choosing to give up other choices for the benefit of your partner. Commitment with relationships and marriage cannot occur without this choice. Commitment leads to sacrificial behavior, which leads to a strong marriage with a non-competitive environment. Sacrifice bridges the conflict or gap between our own self interest and the interest of our partner.
When you sacrifice for your partner, positive changes can occur in your relationship and marriage. For example, givers make the best lovers. Appreciation for and acceptance of one another may increase. You may also find yourself wanting to be more helpful.
However, balance is required over the long-term...it does not work if one partner is always sacrificing and the other rarely does. But, this does not mean keeping score of exactly who does what and who deserves what in return. Scott pointed out an interesting paradox: When you focus on getting equal return back from a partner, you actually get less of what you want. He offered a caution, however, about couples making "behavioral contracts" with each other that outline what each other is to do for the other.
Scott also made the connection between learning to sacrifice and involvement in the community at large around the marriage. Joining groups and associations, building friendships, volunteering, and improving others' lives benefits your marriage. For example, willingness to sacrifice for a group strengths sacrifice skills within the marriage.
While marriage occasionally requires large sacrifices, there are often daily opportunities to do small ones. Spend time together watching his favorite television show or do one of her chores. With these opportunities, you focus on what to generously give, not what you want to get. Scott suggested writing down two actions you want to take in the coming week that are small sacrifices...and do not tell your partner, just do them.
Scott's slides and references are available at the following link: http://www.prepinc.com/main/scotts_corner.asp.
Remember, as well, to practice our Character Quality of the Month: Service.
Loving greetings,
Susanne and Craig,
Relationship and Marriage Coaches
NOTE: As this newsletter is being written and sent, Craig is in the hospital with a brain tumor. We are unclear of its severity at this time. We have people who can keep shipments flowing, but our day-to-day business will be interrupted for awhile. We appreciate all prayers and loving thoughts directed to Craig and our family as we flow with this current challenge.
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Character Quality of the Month: Service
"Service is a humble attitude and a pattern of sacrificial action that makes an appreciable difference in the quality of people’s lives. In our marriage, we put the other’s needs and comforts before our own. We handle tasks quietly, without any expectation of notice, reward, or appreciation. The more we do acts of service for one another in our marriage and our home, the deeper the bond between us grows. We look for opportunities to do the everyday actions that make life easier for the other, no matter how small. Our attitude of service is inspired by and strengthened through our spiritual faith, which encourages us to put others before ourselves. This attitude of service assists us to address the social issues in our community. We reach out to make a difference for others who may be less fortunate in some ways than we are. Through generously spending time doing service for others, we increase love and happiness in their lives and ours. Service that is sincere, joyful, and compassionate, with our hearts full of love, makes our marriage happier, healthier, and stronger."
~ Susanne Alexander with John S. Miller, Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage, p. 222
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Great New Relationship/Marriage Strengthening Materials!
At the Smart Marriages Conference, there were so many inspiring and useful relationship and marriage tools! We have added some of these products for you in our e-store:
Money Habitudes Cards -
Individuals and couples can effectively use these cards to discover the real issues that make people argue, act irrationally, or keep them from reaching their financial and life goals. These cards help you address the issues that impact how you save, spend, earn, invest, go into debt, and give away your money.
Hedy Schleifer, Relationship Expert Extraordinaire, has two great Audio CD sets for couples. In The Miracle of Connection (3 CD set), she shares her insights about transforming your relationships. Crossing the Bridge
takes couples further into relationship building with this 4-CD Audio Set. For further information, visit our e-store.
When you need a quick relationship or marriage boost, our business card-sized Character Card will provide you with a simple and powerful communication exercise focused on character quality language. Additionally, it lists 57 character qualities that can benefit you in all areas of your life. Perfect for sharing with friends, coworkers, and family or as handouts in workshops and trainings!
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New Books from Marriage Transformation!
Finding insightful resources to help you prepare for your relationships and marriage can be overwhelming with the hundreds of books on the market. We're excited to share our latest selection of books and media that will deepen your knowledge about character, relationships, and marriage. Whether your looking for guidance for children, unmarried individuals and couples, or married couples, you will find a product to match your needs. Please consider adding these to your relationship and marriage toolbox!
A Perfectly Funny Marriage, A Humorous View of Creating a Successful Marriage, a guide to the steps for relationship and marriage success illustrated by insightful cartoons for unmarried individuals, couples, and married couples.
Solving the Commitment Struggle!, the first in our new e-book series, a concise book exploring solutions and insights about this vital topic. Great for unmarried individuals, couples, married couples, and workshops.
Marriage Can Be Forever—Preparation Counts!, a in-depth workbook for individuals and unmarried couples to prepare effectively for marriage. Based on the teachings of the Bahá’í Faith.
Oro Puro: Desarrollo del Carácter en el Matrimonio, a Spanish-language translation of Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage (2nd Edition) for married couples. ¡El primero en una serie de libros sobre las relaciones y el matrimonio a ser traducido al Español!
Happiness: A Child's Character-Development Kit (General Audience)
Happiness: A Child's Character-Development Kit (Bahá’í Faith Audience)
Contains Microsoft Word and Adobe Acrobat (PDF) files to create a fully-customizable book entitled "My Name Is ___, and I Am Happy!" Two distinct versions.
Click here for a listing for all books!
NOTE: We are happy to work with anyone setting up group study sessions with our books.
We provide book discounts, coaching for facilitators, and often handouts.
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Quotations for Reflection
"...[B]e profoundly aware of the sanctity of marriage and...strive to make... marriages an eternal bond of unity and harmony. This requires effort and sacrifice and wisdom and self-abnegation."
~ On behalf of the Universal House of Justice, dated November 3, 1982
"Be consistently aware of the need to serve God and to serve others in any and all of your actions.
That is the way of the miracle worker."
~ Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Everyday Wisdom, p. 129
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Upcoming Marriage Transformation Workshops
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Articles of Interest
For Richer, For Poorer
Managing Your Finances to Live Happily Ever After
By Steven B. Smith
According to John Lennon, money can't buy you love. But it may help lead to divorce. Disagreements over finances are often cited as the leading cause of divorce. If you're planning on tying the knot anytime soon, now is the time to sit down with your groom-to-be and go over your finances.
Here are a few tips to make sure that money doesn't get in the way of ‘happily ever after.'
- Be open and honest. Any successful marriage is built on honesty and trust – your finances are no exception.
- Discuss and set long-term goals. Determine what is important to both of you, and agree to work together to accomplish your goals, whether they include paying off your debt, saving for a down payment on a home, or retirement planning. If you're both on the same page for your long-term goals, you're less likely to argue about short-term spending.
- Create a spending plan to manage monthly and/or daily spending. Sit down together and go over your income and expenses. It sounds simple, but building wealth comes from spending less than what you earn every week, every month, and every year.
Plan what you are going to do with the money you earn. Make sure to set aside money for periodic and ‘unexpected' expenses like holiday gifts and car maintenance. Most budgets fail because people feel constrained by them. Set aside some “fun money” to allow for the occasional indulgence - that way if you have the money in your spending category, you have the freedom to get those perfect shoes when you find them, without feeling guilty about it. And he can get that new golf club too.
• Automate your finances. For most of us, if it isn't easy, we won't do it. Your finances are far too important to simply avoid managing them. Make it easy on yourself by automating your finances. Use an online tool like Mvelopes Personal ( www.mvelopes.com ) to create and manage your spending plan. Use online bill pay to set up automatic transfers into a savings account to make saving simple. You can also set up automatic payments on your mortgage, car payment, credit card, or just about any other bill to avoid late payments (and the accompanying fights). Most banks offer online bill pay now, and Mvelopes includes a free online bill pay service. • Start planning for your future…NOW. This may be the most important thing you can do for yourself. Your wedding should be the start of a wonderful life together, but if you really do want to live happily ever after, you need to start planning for tomorrow today. Set aside some money in your spending plan for a retirement account. Contribute to a 401(k) or set up an automatic transfer to an IRA. Time can be your biggest ally, or your worst enemy. The sooner you start, the easier it will be. Start today. Start now.
Money isn't everything, and discussing your finances now won't necessarily ensure that you'll end up billionaires, but it may help avoid arguments later on and let you focus on enjoying your time together. And isn't that why you're getting married in the first place…to live happily ever after?
Steven B. Smith is president and CEO of In2M Corporation and author of Money for Life : Budgeting Success and Financial Fitness in Just 12 Weeks! www.in2m.com Contact: jeff.stevens@in2m.com
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Please contact us if you have any questions or comments, requests for subject matter to be covered in the newsletter, need to change your email address, or want further information about the Marriage Transformation Project. If you wish to unsubscribe from this newsletter, please click on the link below.
Marriage Transformation™ Project
P.O. Box 23085; Cleveland, OH 44123 USA
Phone: 800-501-6682 or (216) 383-9943; Fax: (216) 383-9953
Email: staff@marriagetransformation.com; www.marriagetransformation.com
The Marriage Transformation Project is a global development project committed to relationship, marriage, and character education and skill building for people at all stages of relationships. In addition to our own independent work in developing materials, with a strong focus on character and communications, we draw on many sources. These include the work of marriage researchers, psychologists, philosophers, traditional wisdom, authors, and spiritual sources. These spiritual sources include the following world's religions: Bahá'í Faith, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism.
© 2007 Marriage Transformation LLC; Note: Marriage Transformation is a trademarked term, and the project logo is copyrighted and trademarked. It may not be used for any purpose other than representing the Marriage Transformation Project and Marriage Transformation LLC.
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