Are you tired of walking on eggshells trying to find any way possible to live with someone who is resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive to you? Or, as the other spouse, are you tired of your heart being infected with resentment, anger, and abuse? Psychologist Steven Stosny, author of You Don't Have to Take It Anymore, says that these three destructive emotional patterns "attack the very foundation of our humanity, which is our ability to form bonds of compassion and love with the most important persons in our lives." (p.147) He also says that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence...primarily men against women.

What is "walking on eggshells"? Stosny defines it as, "In your constant efforts to tiptoe around someone else's moods in the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, signs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you constantly edit what you say. You second-guess your own judgment, your own ideas, and your own preferences about how to live. You begin to question what you think is right and wrong. Ultimately, your perceptions of reality and your very sense of self change for the worse."

Women who have learned to walk on eggshells "start to doubt it when the physical threat comes from someone they love...." "[P]owerful emotions, such as love, guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety" keep her attached to people she loves and "can easily cause you to doubt the internal alarm system meant to keep you from harm." (p. 5)

Stosny says that you "cannot be resentful, angry, or abusive if you are compassionate. You cannot develop negative attitudes about women (or anyone else) without a failure of compassion." (p. 9) So, men learning to feel compassion for their wives is key for men's healing. And for women to heal, they must overcome victim identity, reclaim their core values, and significantly change how they interact with abusive men.

"Compassion makes us sensitive to the individual strengths and vulnerabilities of other people...shines light on our differences and lets us appreciate and sympathize with loved ones." (p. 32)

As coaches rather than therapists, we don't counsel couples who are in abusive or violent relationships. But we do teach compassion. And, we know that you or someone you love can be hurting and could benefit from what Dr. Stosny teaches in his book and on his website: www.compassionpower.com. He says that you may have tried many avenues to get help--therapists, anger-management classes, and more--but unless there is healing with a reconnection to compassion, these may have even made the situation worse. His message is one of hope and help.

Compassion is our Character Quality of the Month.

Loving greetings,
Susanne and Craig,
Relationship and Marriage Coaches

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