Dear Friends and Colleagues:

This month, Craig read Dr. Scott Haltzman's The Secrets of Happily Married Men, Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever and we both read Susan Page's Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage. These books and some experiences we've had are prompting us to explore the appropriate balance between how much talking about something and how much action is done within a relationship and then, a marriage.

While open communication is very important, it's our belief that what's best for a relationship or marriage is more deeds than words. Page asserts that there are key actions that must be happening in a Spiritual Partnership that then support great communication happening. She focuses on:

• Adopt a spirit of good will towards each other
• Give up problem solving (focus on what's good and positive, not on what's unsolvable)
• Act as if (start acting positively and your thoughts and emotions will follow)
• Practice restraint (pause and think before acting and speaking and sometimes choose to do nothing)
• Balance giving and taking (100% giving and 100% taking action to meet your own needs)
• Act on your own (don't always rely on your partner for everything)
• Practice acceptance (lets your spouse/partner be himself/herself and actually creates an atmosphere where change can happen)
• Practice compassion (empathize with what your partner is going through)

Dr. Haltzman says what's most important for men to have a happy marriage depends upon FIRST showing your wife that she can trust you and depend upon you….100%! The secrets he lays out are:

• Make your marriage your job: Focus on the benefits of marriage, not the day to day frustrations. Face it, a job can be frustrating. In many jobs a person will plan, implement, prioritize, and overcomes obstacles. Why not translate some of those skills over to your marriage?
• Know your wife: Look at her as if you just met her today and try to discover who she really is. Don't take her for granted. Find and remind yourself daily of what's special to you about her.
• Be home now: Ask yourself why you're not spending more time at home. It's easy to get caught up in all the things you could be doing away from home.
• Expect conflict and deal with it: Handle it in a way that does not make matters worse. Leading areas of conflict are sex, money, in-laws, housework, and new baby. What makes matters worse?
  • Feeding the fire by escalating the level
  • Withdrawing and avoiding
  • Negative interpretation…assume the worst motivation
  • Finger pointing with criticism and blame
• Learn to listen: Use the three levels of listening (clarifying content, identifying emotions, noting wants/needs).
• Aim to please: Make your wife feel special by using her love language.
• Understand the truth about sex: Rethink your definition of sex and enjoy all the sensual levels of intimacy.
• Introduce yourself: Clean up your act and evaluate your core values so that you have a better idea of what's most important to you and of what your wife can do to help you attain these values.

The message in our own books about character are ultimately the same--your qualities must shine through your actions. Talking about being respectful or thoughtful makes little difference in your relationships. Being respectful and thoughtful can make all the difference in the world. Thoughtfulness is our Character Quality of the Month.

Loving greetings,
Susanne and Craig

p.s. If you want to contribute to the upcoming Secrets of Happily Married Women book, here's the link: www.happilymarriedwomen.com/.

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