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Dear Friends:

For the last several weeks, we have been preparing, writing, and editing our next book for singles, Can We Dance? Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship. We are striving for it to be back from the printers before Valentine's Day (February 14).

This upcoming book is about creating happy, lasting relationships. It will help you learn more about your own character and that of a partner, as well as how to create a friendship-based relationship. We'd like to share a "sneak-peek" into Can We Dance? with you. Here's a section about exploring expectations:

The “Only One Soul Mate” Myth

Some unrealistic expectations are engrained in the general culture. “Soul mate” is a commonly used term that often misleads people into believing the myth that there is only one “right” person in the whole world to be their mate. “The myth of romantic love tells us, in effect, that for every young man in the world there is a young woman who was ‘meant for him,' and vice versa. … We have met the person for whom all the heavens intended us, and since the match is perfect, we will then be able to satisfy all of each other's needs forever and ever, and therefore live happily forever after in perfect union and harmony.” [M. Scott Peck, M.D., The Road Less Traveled, p. 91]

The view of only one ideal soul mate, and that only one possible relationship can work, can be a contributor to relationship breakups and divorces. After a serious disagreement or seeing another attractive person, you might start thinking that you have not really found your soul mate after all. This prompts you to return to the never-ending quest for the one and only “true love.” This quest can lead you to pursue attraction to a series of people or multiple people all at the same time instead of committing to just one. It can also prompt you to keep leaving relationships instead of working through normal challenges and developing from addressing them.

You can tell that you might believe in this myth if you notice that you say something similar to these statements:

“I will know if he is the right person when I meet him.”
“I am just waiting for the right person to walk into my life.”
“I am confident that I could commit to someone if I could find the right person.”
“I am looking for the right person to make me happy.”
“I am afraid of making a mistake and committing to someone, and then finding out they are not my soul mate.”

Actually, you can produce a satisfying love-based relationship that grows into a successful marriage with many people you meet. In order for this to work well, however, most or all of the following would need to exist:

•  A commitment to find solutions together in spite of
   obstacles; commitment allows you to navigate the dance
   floor in partnership together
•  An honest and accepting friendship
•  The ability to treat each other in a kind and loving way
•  A well-established foundation of character qualities in
   order to nurture the relationship
•  Effective and compatible communication skills and styles,    and interactions that include mutual respect and equality
•  A spark of physical attraction
•  A mutual spiritual connection

Many people develop a strong spiritual bond between them. Particularly in marriage, couples feel as if they have mated their souls together, and this is appropriate. The caution is for you to avoid the mindset that there is only one possible person for you in the world.

Questions for Reflection:

1. What are my beliefs about “soul mates”?
2. How do these prevent me from being in or committing to a positive and lasting relationship?
3. How is this concept different from having a spiritual relationship with someone?

Want more information about Can We Dance? Be sure to read our next newsletter for full details and ordering information!

Loving greetings,
Susanne and Craig

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