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©2004 The Marriage Transformation Newsletter
Empowering people to create happy, lasting, spiritually-based
marriages—the foundation of a prosperous, unified world
Empowering people to create happy, lasting, spiritually-based
marriages—the foundation of a prosperous, unified world
| August 2005 |
Volume 2, Issue 7 |
© 2005
Marriage Transformation LLC
Y Y Y Y Y
What is Transformation?
A Visual Learning Experience
Commitment When
There Are Challenges
Staying Connected and Committed While Planning Your Wedding
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Note: Marriage Transformation is a trademarked term, and the project logo is copyrighted and trademarked. It may not be used for any purpose other than representing the Marriage Transformation Project.
COMMITMENT
"And being not weak in faith...what he had promised, he was able also to perform."
~
Romans 4:19-21
"Commitment is a promise and binding agreement with one another. We meet agreed expectations and carry out promised actions, which build our trust in one another. We deeply value our marriage and the sacred promises we made to one another in our wedding ceremony."
~
Pure Gold, p. 142
How are we practicing Commitment?
What new choices
will we make?
Featured Products
Pure Gold:
Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage
Discover how character qualities like love, loyalty, and truthfulness can transform your marriage!
Be sure to read the Sample Pages and the Table of Contents!
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Marriage Can Be Forever--Preparation Counts! Walking a Path to a Spiritually-Based Marriage
Learn the steps toward a happy, lasting marriage with this CD-version book that includes a facilitator's guide!
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Don't Spit on the Flowers! Great Ways for Young Adults to Care for Their Relationships
This tri-fold pamphlet supports young adults with the basics of a great relationship. Customize it for your organization or company!
The Marriage Transformation Project is a global social and economic development project committed to marriage education and marriage skill building for people at all stages of relationships. In addition to our own independent work in developing materials, we draw on the work of marriage researchers and experts. We also derive part of our inspiration and content from the teachings of the world's religions. These include the following faiths: Baha'i, Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Jewish, and Muslim.
Click here for further
project information.
We welcome new subscribers! Please share! From Susanne Alexander and Craig Farnsworth Dear Friends: The character quality of Commitment is on our minds this month with the release of long-time marriage researcher Scott Stanley's new book, The Power of Commitment: A Guide to Active, Lifelong Love. [See The Reading Room below for book review/recommendation.] Singles grapple with commitment at every stage of their relationships. They make promises to see one another and agreements to behave in certain ways. Friendship is a commitment, as are agreeing to explore compatibility with marriage as a possibility and becoming engaged. For those whose beliefs include obtaining consent from parents, this is another step in the commitment process. As Stanley says, "Real commitment has real power to turn a good relationship into a great marriage. It lays a firm foundation for the attachment between partners. Without that security, partners don't feel safe, and they will not invest as much in the future." (p. 19) Marrying one another is one of the most significant and important commitments you then make. It is an agreement to be faithful to a partner for a lifetime or for eternity, depending on your beliefs. This requires a willingness to sacrifice the right to keep looking for other partners, claim exclusivity, and fully invest your time, energy, and love in your marriage. It means nurturing your love and friendship. This willing choice to be committed in marriage is something Stanley calls "commitment as dedication," as the couple is moving forward based on thoughtful decisions and giving the marriage their best effort. He distinguishes this from "commitment as constraint," which is marriage based on obligation. Both of these forms of commitment together support a strong marriage bond. However, if constraint is the only factor present, the couple is likely to be very unhappy. Couples who claim dedication tend to think more like a team, make their partner and marriage a high priority, protect their marriage from attraction to others, sacrifice for one another without resentment, and invest themselves in building a future together. [p. 24] When a couple is fully committed to one another, there is safety and acceptance that then frees both the husband and the wife to achieve their fullest potentials. It also allows the marriage to be the best it can be. Loving greetings,
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What is Transformation? Have you taken 3 minutes and seen the Marriage Transformation Movie yet? If not, please visit www.marriagetransformation.com/movie to see this visual learning experience! Please forward this link to your friends and family! We would love for this powerful stand for marriages to reach the hearts of many globally! (Please note: Macromedia's Flash Player is required to view presentation.
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Commitment When There Are Challenges By the time most couples consider marriage, they have discussed any serious physical illnesses or conditions one or the other faces and have talked about the implications for their life together. In the United States, for example, you could be one of the 2.3 million people who cope with some form of epilepsy, and you probably have explained its effects and how your partner may help in case of a seizure. If your loved one is one of millions globally who has diabetes, you have probably discussed medications and lifestyle implications. But what about mental and emotional conditions, which are even more likely to affect our relationships? According to the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health, approximately 1 in 5 adults over 18 in the United States suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. At any given time, 16.4% of adult Americans have an anxiety disorder, 9.5% suffer from depressive disorders, and others are affected by personality disorders, eating disorders, impulse control disorders, excessive anger, and so on. It is estimated that 8 to 14% of American adults suffer from alcoholism, and others have addictions to drugs, gambling, and pornography. These statistics reflect the American experience, but these issues are by no means restricted to the U.S. Before or after marrying, it is not surprising that we are less likely to discuss our mental or emotional problems with a relationship partner than our physical ones. Often, we are unaware, uninformed, or embarrassed. We may be reluctant to seek help because we would rather stay in the dark than get a diagnosis. We may brush a problem off as moodiness or a quick temper. Once we do accept that we have a problem, we may be reluctant to talk with our loved one about it for fear of losing him or her. Moreover, if we are on the other side of the relationship–observing behaviors that concern us in our loved one–we may be hesitant to ask our partner about it or face the seriousness of a problem. This could especially be true prior to marriage, because doing so could interrupt all those preparations we are making for the big wedding event. This sets up long-term difficulties, as we may then commit to a relationship without knowing important information about each other. Undiagnosed, untreated, and undiscussed, mental or psychological illness can affect your relationship financially, emotionally, and physically. Courage and honesty with yourselves and each other will help you to seek the truth about what is happening and the implications. Obtaining and following through with effective treatment is then vital. There are websites devoted to mental (and physical) conditions provide self-diagnostic checklists, descriptions, and guidance towards treatment. There are many real and virtual support groups focusing on many of the more common mental and psychological illnesses and conditions. Therapists can be located in the phone book or online, as can meetings of twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and Gamblers Anonymous. All these resources offer help in understanding and coping with the conditions. In addition, many doctor-prescribed medications or alternative treatments can dramatically reduce the symptoms of depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and many other mental and emotional conditions. We know that character is the foundation of a strong marriage, but it can be difficult for you to practice the character qualities effectively when you are struggling with mental or psychological illness. Your partner may also struggle with seeing your best qualities or with his/her own behavior as he/she reacts to your challenges. Help is available. Give yourself and your loved one the gift of honestly facing this issue, which can make it possible to secure the foundation for a long-term relationship. Kathy Hazelton is a writer, communication consultant, and trainer with a special interest in relationship and family topics. She lives in Cleveland with her husband of 32 years. Dick and Kathy have three children ages 16 to 22. She can be reached at kathyhazelton@141.com.
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Staying Connected and Committed While Planning Your Wedding Planning a wedding is a stressful event for any bride and the groom. With so many details to coordinate, you may feel like you are losing sight of both your spiritual connection with one another, and with God. We really honor and appreciate your commitment to keep God at the center
and hang tight to spiritual strength. As you get immersed in planning a
large wedding and all the family issues that come up, it does become a
challenge to hold fast to the focus of creating your marriage together. Part of the purpose of an
engagement period is to continue to get to know one another, be sure you
know one another's character, and build unity amongst your families. This can be a challenge when there are so many details to handle. Y Discover a service project you could do together weekly that would not take much time. When you do work in the spirit of service to others, it is a way of worshiping God. Y As you plan your wedding, you may find it to be a spiritual endeavor to look for ways to build community amongst those attending your wedding, ways to honor your parents, and ways to help those attending experience spiritual connection. Y Not only read books on the subject, but discover ways to incorporate spirituality and character skill building into your everyday life. Our book, Pure Gold, has a large discussion section
about spiritual character qualities. You could discuss a different one
each time you spend time together focused on spirituality. It is set up for married couples,
but we encourage engaged couples to use it too. You can see a sample of
the quality of "Helpfulness" at this link:
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Research Tidbits Divorce increases when couples have a "throw-away attitude toward life," with "their emphasis on feel good and forget the consequences." Family breakdowns are occurring prevalently in a number of countries as "an over-arching trend of modernity...affects all advanced, industrial societies. Basic to this trend is the growth of a modern form of individualism, the single-minded pursuit of personal autonomy and self-interest, which takes place at the expense of established social institutions such as marriage." Depending on the country, the result of this trend includes a low marriage rate, high cohabitation rate, high divorce rate, or high solo parenting rate. Research is indicating that a paramount family goal for modern societies is increasing the number of children able to grow up with their own two married parents. Stable families and a low divorce rate are more likely when the individuals entering the marriage are reasonably well educated, with a decent income, come from an intact family, are religious, and marry after age 25 without having a baby first.
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We are continuing to make strong efforts to spread the message about the importance of character in relationships. This month, we are happy to report coverage in the following publications: Washington Woman (August 2005) Univision Online (Article is in Spanish) Article:"The Big Day:
Curb Those Contagious Quarrels" Please see the Media Section on our website for ongoing news coverage.
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Ann Arbor, Michigan, Marriage Preparation and Marriage Workshops Join authors, marriage educators, and relationship coaches Susanne M. Alexander and Craig A. Farnsworth for two, one-day workshops! There will be a one-day workshop for married couples and married individuals, as well as a second one for unmarried individuals and couples. Learn how you can enhance your relationships with knowledge and skills focused on friendship, communication, character, and much more! Co-facilitated by Relationship Workshop Leader Nevin Jenkins from Cleveland, Ohio. "Pure Gold Marriage" For Married Couples/Married Individuals Topics will include the following: Communication Skills (Listening, Character Quality Language, and Consultation)/ Humor, Fun, and Sëx/ Love Languages/ Forgiveness/ and Unity Building. Please note: Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage (Second Edition) and materials fee is $15. *~*~*~* "Both Eyes Open™" For Unmarried Individuals and Couples Topics will include the following: Importance of character (self and observation of character qualities in others)/ Finding a relationship partner/ Friendship, Dating, Sëx/ Love Languages/ Compatibility/ and Consent of Parents. Please note: Book (TBA) and materials fee is $15. Space is limited and registration is required! To sign up today, contact PERSONAL INFORMATION REMOVED. Y Y Y Make Your Marriage Pure Gold Marriage educators and spouses Susanne M. Alexander and Craig A. Farnsworth will guide married couples through group and couple activities and interactive discussions. Learn and explore the vital topics that challenge most married couples as you build a happy, lasting marriage. Topics will include family unity, spiritual practices, consultation skills, character, money, sëx, listening, time and service, and more. You are welcome to email topic requests to susanne@marriagetransformation.com. Required Book: Second Edition of Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage, available at the Bosch bookstore or through www.marriagetransformation.com or the Baha'i Distribution Service, 1-800-999-9019; (www.bahaibookstore.com). To get the most out of this weekend, Bosch requires married couples attend together and commit to attending the entire workshop. To register or get more details about Bosch Baha'i School, please visit their website at www.bosch.org. |
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The National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministries
presents its
Y Y Y International Marriage Conference
10th Anniversary Celebration Y Y Y 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference
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Listserves Join our new listserve if you want to learn more or become involved in marriage education! Join today and help transform marriages! MarriageTransformationEducator-Subscribe@yahoogroups.com Get the latest news about marriage and The Marriage Transformation Project as it happens! Join our announcement listserve today! MarriageTransformation-Subscribe@yahoogroups.com Did a friend forward this newsletter to you and now you want to receive your own copy each month in your email inbox? To sign up for this newsletter, go to our home page, www.marriagetransformation.com, and register in the "Newsletter Sign Up" box!
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Marriage Transformation™ Project
P.O. Box 23085
(216) 383-9943
P.O. Box 23085
www.marriagetransformation.com
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