When I began my career as a helping professional in 1978, I was
quite ambitious about the difference I wanted to make in the
marriages and families in my community. I came from a divorced
home, and it was very important to me that marriages and families
succeed, because I didn't experience that when I was a child.
Aware of the high social costs of failed relationships, I was
passionate about solving the mystery of how to have a successful
marriage and family, personally as well as professionally.

FROM COUPLES THERAPIST TO RELATIONSHIP COACH

After 20 years of practice, I burned out on working with couples
on the verge of divorce. It struck me that to put off working on
a relationship until it's in trouble invites failure, yet that is
what prompts most people to get help from a therapist, and I
didn't know any other way to practice as a relationship
professional. I was frustrated at being the resource of last
resort; knowing that many couples would contact a divorce lawyer
prior to seeking couples therapy, and with all my training,
experience, and dedication I couldn't save so many severely
damaged relationships of couples that sought my help when it was
too late.

In today's world, the casual observer can easily see that therapy
still carries a stigma of inadequacy or failure, which therapists
have not helped by aligning with the medical profession, using
the title of "Doctor" and providing diagnosis and treatment for
insurance reimbursement. I have found that as long as couples
associate therapy with "treatment," they will be reluctant to see
a therapist, put it off as long as possible, and have unrealistic
expectations when they do seek help. While the therapy profession
has its roots in personal growth and emotional healing, the days
of Carl Rogers and Virginia Satir seem long ago and
unrecognizable in the world of HMO's, PPO's, and Managed Care.

I stumbled upon "coaching" in 1997 and fell in love with it. An
entire new helping profession had developed from the worlds of
personal growth, sports, and business, completely off my radar.
As a therapist, I found it an attractive and novel approach to
work with functional people who have goals and want fulfillment
in their lives. It struck me as more effective to help people
succeed in their goals than attempt to help them fix problems. I
first took a weekend workshop then completed a comprehensive
training in Personal Coaching, sometimes called Life Coaching.
I wanted to apply coaching to relationships and could not find an
existing model for doing so. I then developed my own paradigm
involving five stages that a person would go through from being
single to being in a fulfilling life partnership (see "Five
Stages of Relationship Coaching" below).

When I looked at relationships from a coaching perspective, it
struck me that working with singles was a critically necessary
starting point. I became very excited to discover this large
segment of the population (101 million adults in the U.S., 46% of
the adult population), many or most of whom desired successful
relationships, that most helping professionals had been ignoring.
It seemed so logical that singles become couples, and I couldn't
understand how I had overlooked this niche in my mission to help
people have successful marriages and families. If we could help
singles learn about themselves and relationships, including how
to make good relationship choices, their chances for long-term
success would be greatly increased.

Working with singles became a very exciting prospect for me. I
had to research this niche because I knew nothing about it. I
read self-help books for singles and looked up resources on the
internet, and it was pretty scary and disappointing. From my
perspective as a therapist turned coach, the existing technology,
the existing resources for singles, like dating services,
personal ads, matchmakers, flirting workshops, "Find the perfect
mate" self help books, seemed like another setup for failure.

I was pleased to discover that singles are ideal coaching
clients: They are usually motivated, functional, they have a
clearly identified goal, are easy to identify and market to, and
they typically have discretionary time and income. My classes and
coaching for singles were very well received, and I had no
trouble attracting clients and interested helping professionals.
My coaching services for couples attracted functional couples
seeking to enhance their relationships, as well as couples who
would ordinarily seek therapy but preferred a coaching approach
to their relationship challenges.

Since discovering the world of coaching, I have re-discovered my
passion and calling for helping others and making a difference in
the world. I believe my effectiveness with my clients as a
Relationship Coach is far better than as a therapist, partially
because my clients are in a better position to benefit from my
services, and also because coaching is a powerful, healthy,
empowering vehicle for helping people to get what they want in
their life and relationships. While therapy is beneficial and
will always be needed to help people in pain, I see coaching as
the next evolution for therapy as we increasingly promote
functionality and prevention of dysfunction.

THE CASE FOR RELATIONSHIP COACHING

We have a powerful need and desire for coupling that drives us
into and out of relationships. In recent times we seem to have
developed a "need" to be happy and decreasing tolerance for
delayed gratification. When we are single, most of us want to be
in a relationship. When we are in an unhappy relationship most of
us attempt to improve it and eventually leave if it doesn't get
better.

A generation or two ago, men and women dated, married, had
families, and rarely divorced. Everyone seemed to know the rules
and followed them. "Fulfillment" was not a priority and
unhappiness was not cause for divorce. Then our society changed,
the rules changed, and life and relationships became much more
complex. We want to be happy, but we don't know how. We are
traveling to a vague destination without a map or compass, and
are not aware of what is causing us to be off track.

Here are some relevant facts that help make the case for
relationship coaching:

- There are more single people today than ever in history: 101 million in   the U.S., 46% of the adult population (37.5 million/28% in 1970)
- Over 25% of households are single occupant households (17% in 1970)
- 53% of households are married couples (70% in 1970)
- The marriage rate is decreasing, and is at its lowest in 30 years
- The divorce rate has remained stable at or above 50% since 1988
- Co-habitation is increasing, with a higher failure rate than marriage
- The majority of first-born children are now conceived by, or born to,
  unmarried parents
- Half of all children will spend some time in a single parent family
- More than 85% of all adults marry at least once
- The percentage of young adults who say that having a good marriage is
  extremely important to them is increasing (94% in one study)

These facts indicate to me that we continue to seek a fulfilling
life partnership and are not clear about how to do so. Helping
people close the gap between where they are and where they want
to be is the realm of professional coaching. Relationship
Coaching may be the next evolution in promoting successful
marriages and families in our culture.

FIVE STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP COACHING

While there are other developmental models of relationships,
through the lens of a coach helping singles and couples with
their relationship goals I found myself developing concepts and
tools for five stages of relationship coaching, ranging from
being single wanting a partner, to a committed couple seeking to
co-create a fulfilling relationship together.

STAGE 1. READINESS

Helps singles become clearer about "Who am I?" "What do I want?"
and "How do I get what I want?" and addresses areas of their life
that may interfere with their readiness for a committed
relationship. Coaching activities may include:

-Relationship history
-Personality assessment (traits, values, preferences, etc)
-Identification of goals and action plans
-Clarify Vision, Requirements, Needs, and Wants
-Develop profile of Life Partner
-Develop "Relationship Plan" to manifest/attract Life Partner

STAGE 2: ATTRACTION

Helping singles develop effective dating skills and activities.
Coaching activities may include:

-Where and how to meet potential life partners
-Becoming ready for a committed relationship
-Effectively meeting people, developing networks, sorting  and screening
-Staying on track with your Relationship Plan, asserting
boundaries, being "the chooser"

STAGE 3: PRE-COMMITMENT

Helping new and not-yet-committed couples who are wondering "Is
this 'The One'?" to be conscious and objective about the future
of their relationship. Coaching activities may include:

-Become clear about whether this relationship is right for you
-Getting a reality check, staying on track with what you really want
-Developing strategies for testing, decision-making
-Addressing emotional and compatibility issues

STAGE 4: COUPLING

Helping a committed couple co-create a functional Life
Partnership. Coaching activities may include:

-Getting a committed relationship off to a good start
-Effective communication and conflict resolution skills
-Discovering and overcoming issues and obstacles around functional
needs, such as parenting, domestic responsibilities, finances, etc.
-Identifying and negotiating mutual wants, needs, and goals

STAGE 5: BLISS

Helping a committed couple with a functional relationship deepen
their emotional intimacy, trust, love, and connection to create
the emotionally fulfilling relationship they want. Coaching
activities may include:

-Increasing authentic expression of thoughts, feelings, wants, needs
-Ownership of emotional reactivity
-Increasing mutual support, trust, safety around emotional
vulnerabilities and intimacy
-Developing skills, rituals, and practices for deepening
emotional, physical, and spiritual connection and fulfillment

GUIDELINES OF RELATIONSHIP COACHING

The goal of coaching is to empower the client, not to dictate or
advise as an expert. However, clients often need specialized
skills and information to be successful in achieving their goals.
The art of coaching and relationship coaching involves
facilitating learning while holding our client as the expert on
their life and what works for them. What follows are some
guidelines I've developed to help conceptualize the role of the
coach and client in relationship coaching.

1. RELATIONSHIP COACHING IS NOT CONSULTING OR THERAPY
Coaching empowers by assuming our clients are the experts, fully
capable of achieving their goals, and focuses on supporting them
into action. Consulting typically provides advice and solutions,
while therapy typically focuses on insight and resolution of
emotional issues. Because these approaches are so different, the
coach should be clear about these distinctions, educate clients
about them, and make clear choices about the nature of the
coaching relationship that are in the best interests of our
clients.

2. A RELATIONSHIP COACH HELPS THE CLIENT FOCUS ON THE BIGGER PICTURE
Relationship coaching is not effective when isolating our
clients' relationship goals from the rest of their life, such as
work, family, friends, wellness, spirituality, etc.

3. A RELATIONSHIP COACH SHARES RELATIOSHIP KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCE, AND INFORMATION WITHOUT ATTACHMENT
Sharing expertise with our clients as a coach is very different
from any other helping relationship. It is necessary to address
our clients' relationship skills and knowledge deficits; however,
we do so in a way that supports them to discover and "own" their
truth.

4. A RELATIONSHIP COACH ASSUMES A RELATIONSHIP IS PART OF THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION
We support our clients to focus on meaning, connection, and
long-term goals, in addition to helping them find a partner or
improve their existing relationships.

5. A RELATIONSHIP COACH ASSUMES THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF

Our relationships are our mirrors. The Law of Attraction dictates
that what is inside shows up on the outside. We help our clients
take responsibility for their relationship outcomes and be the
partner they want to have.

6. A RELATIONSHIP COACH DOES NOT JUDGE A RELATIONSHIP AS RIGHT OR WRONG, GOOD OR BAD
As stated above, we assume our clients are the experts and honor
their truth and agenda. While we have judgments, we do not impose
them on our clients. We lead our clients through a process of
discovery in which they are empowered to make the relationship
choices that are right for them.

7. A RELATIONSHIP COACH DOES NOT SEEK TO GET PERSONAL NEEDS MET WITH CLIENTS OR PROSPECTIVE CLIENTS
An ethical coach values being of service above all else, holds
the coaching relationship sacred, and does not allow a personal
agenda to interfere with doing so.

8. A RELATIONSHIP COACH ADDRESSES THEIR CLIENTS' SABOTAGING ATTITUDES AND CHOICES WITHOUT MAKING THEM WRONG
We assume that "attitude precedes outcome" and skillfully help
our clients become aware of the connection between their
attitudes (beliefs, interpretations, etc), choices and
consequences. We support them in making their own judgments and
decisions about their relationship choices in alignment with
their Vision, Purpose, Requirements, Needs, and Goals.

9. A RELATIONSHIP COACH IS NEUTRAL ABOUT THE OUTCOME FOR PRE-COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS, AND AN ADVOCATE FOR COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS
We value using the opportunity while single to make conscious
long-term relationship choices, and believe in the power and
necessity of commitment to make those choices work and be
fulfilling.

10. A RELATIONSHIP COACH "WALKS THE TALK" BY CONTINUALLY
ADDRESSING HIS OR HER OWN PERSONAL AND RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT, CHALLENGES, AND GOALS
We know that we can only help our clients along paths that we
have traveled ourselves, and no further, so we must continually
strive to be conscious and intentional in our lives and
relationships. This includes furthering our own learning and
development by working with a coach or mentor, on-going training,
and other means.

NEW HOPE AND NEW CHALLENGES

I truly believe professional coaching to be the next evolution of
helping people with their life and relationship goals. While the
need for therapy will not disappear, in the past 8 years I have
seen more and more professionals and the public discover and
prefer a coaching model for positive change. At first glance,
professionals often say "I've been coaching for a long time and
didn't know it!" Contrary to the stigma of therapy, and similar
to personal training, amongst the public it is becoming a status
symbol to have a coach. The perceived desirability of coaching
and increasing public and professional awareness creates more
availability of, and demand for, the services of professional
coaches. "A rising tide lifts all boats." As a Relationship
Coach, I feel hopeful that we can finally make a dent in the
divorce rate.

Presently there are many thousands of professional coaches
worldwide, and training institutes graduate hundreds more each
month. Many are alarmed that there are no governmental
regulations, or educational or licensing requirements; literally
anyone can declare him/herself a coach and start marketing their
services, charging what clients will pay, and let the buyer
beware. There seems to be little protection against unethical
and/or incompetent practitioners, other than the likelihood that
they will fail to stay in practice in a business dependent upon
word of mouth referral. As a career helping professional, I am
concerned about this and believe it presents tremendous
challenges to the future of coaching.

The good news is that, in my experience, the vast majority of
people attracted to the coaching profession are either already
qualified and practicing helping professionals, or are mature,
talented people of integrity with a strong calling to help others
who seek  training and experience before hanging their shingle.
Therapists will be reassured that coaches are trained to
recognize that they don't do what therapists do, and to follow
the guideline "when in doubt, refer it out." Coaches do not treat
clinical disorders such as anxiety, depression, addiction, and
phobias. On the other hand, a therapist can do what a coach does,
providing a choice of paradigms and methodologies for therapist
and client. As the coaching profession gains more visibility,
many clients may prefer a coaching model to a therapy model.
Clients who do not perceive themselves in need of therapy may be
more inclined to see a coach, opening up new practice
opportunities for therapists using the coaching model.

As I train Relationship Coaches and help them to build their
practices, I have witnessed many, many of them discover or (as I
have) re-discover their passion for their work and make a
tremendously positive difference in the lives of countless
singles and couples. Increasingly, I see creative, talented
professionals taking their work out of their office and into
their communities, impacting many more relationships than through
a traditional private practice, and experiencing financial
success and emotional satisfaction. This gives me hope that the
world I idealistically dreamed of helping to create when I
entered the helping profession so many years ago is actually
achievable in my lifetime.

References

U.S. Census Bureau www.census.gov
SmartMarriages www.smartmarriages.com
National Marriage Project http://marriage.rutgers.edu/state.html
American Association for Single People www.unmarriedamerica.com

David Steele, M.A. is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who founded Relationship Coaching Institute to train helping professionals of all disciplines to help singles and couples achieve their relationship goals (www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com), and BuildingYourIdealPractice.com for helping private practice professionals build successful practices
(www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com). He is the author of "How to Build Your Ideal Practice in 90 Days" and soon-to-be-published"Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World."

© 2004 by David Steele / All right reserved /
www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com